r/nottheonion • u/whereisgummi • 14d ago
Loch Ness monster: NASA urged to help as new search begins
https://news.sky.com/story/loch-ness-monster-nasa-urged-to-help-as-new-search-begins-131133511
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u/Ohmannothankyou 12d ago
We camped there one summer and the air force flew over the lake constantly. Can’t the pilots have a look?
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u/Aggressive-Wrap-187 13d ago
Idiots believe in loch ness monster, big foot, man never landed on the moon, etc, etc, etc. There are even people who still think the earth is flat. Stupidity will never end.
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u/michaelballston 13d ago
Last week, Japanese scientists explaced... placed explosive detonators at the bottom of Lake Loch Ness to blow Nessie out of the water. Sir Cort Godfrey of the Nessie Alliance summoned the help of Scotland's local wizards to cast a protective spell over the lake and its local residents and all those who seek for the peaceful existence of our underwater ally.
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u/fanau 13d ago
I used to be fascinated by Nessie type phenomenon but it is pretty obvious that if nothing else it’s just shadows in the waves that people’s imagination want to ascribe to some huge creature. And it grew from there. Nothing to see here. Big foot etc too. Science these days is way to advanced not to have found anything by now.
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u/The_real_triple_P 13d ago
World Govt: Okay people lookie here and not here.. aliens seem to be not working deploy loch ness monster.
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u/cruuunch 13d ago
NASA. Nessie. Too close to be coincidence. Let’s investigate the real conspiracy here.
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u/derpferd 13d ago
If there was a legitimate breeding population of large animals in a given area, there would be evidence it.
Carcasses chiefly.
Absence of proof may not necessarily be proof of absence, but in this case, there an overwhelming absence of proof.
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13d ago
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u/01d_n_p33v3d 13d ago
Northrop Grumman has several undersea-related operations. Annapolis group developed early submersible for Jacques Cousteau.
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u/thoroakenfelder 13d ago
This right here is why we have so much conspiracy nonsense. This shit never got shut down it was played for a laugh and gullible slap heads spun from this innocuous shit to 5G controlling us and giving us cancer to every other piece of shit conspiracy. Shut these fuckers down. Laugh in their fucking faces and tell them that the money is better spent helping the homeless than searching for these mythical fairytales.
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u/DaRedGuy 13d ago
All they found down there were more or less the same bunch of freshwater critters you would find anywhere else in the bloody isles. At best, there's a population of freshwater eels that were slightly different from their mainland European ancestors that might warrant a subspecies classification.
There's certainly no pleasosaur that looked like something out of the original King Kong. Speaking of which, if you look up the pre-1930s sightings of Nessie, you get descriptions that sound like escaped zoo & circus animals, but after the release of certain ape movie they sound more like outdated descriptions of prehistoric long necked reptiles.
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u/JJ-Kowalski 13d ago
The photo in the article is a close up of the original picture. The original shot was a much wider angle ( I remember seeing it in a book many years ago) and included the shoreline which gave the object scale - the scale of which was about the size of someone’s arm.
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u/forbiddenmemeories 13d ago
I vote we get a two-star disaster movie called Nessie where oil is found under Loch Ness and the drilling wakes up Nessie who has lain dormant for years.
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u/12_Yrs_A_Wage_Slave 13d ago
Giant squids were mythologized for thousands of years, then they were called pseudoscience for over a hundred years, and finally observed and well documented for the first time in 2006.
I hope they do find their loch ness monster, it would be awesome. But it just seems crazy
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u/EmbarrassedHelp 13d ago
Monarch already arrested the Loch Ness monster and returned it to its home in hollow earth
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u/Grizlyfrontbum 13d ago
No. There are real issues that money could be spent on. Suppose for a second Nessie was found, what does it change? It’s like if the earth was flat (it’s not) what does it matter? Life goes on. “It proves the government lied to us!” They do that everyday already. Much love to everyone fighting their own battles.
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u/Madmanmelvin 13d ago
This is beyond dumb.
A). The odds of a massive prehistoric creature still living are so incredibly small as to be nonexistent.
B). There's no real evidence. Just crappy photos(and not many, at that).
C). Can the lake ecosystem even support a giant monster?
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u/Mr_Vacant 12d ago
C) Even if it can support a giant monster, it needs to support a breeding population of giant monsters, and to be viable over a number of generations that's going to be quite a few, otherwise inbreeding will lead to defects.
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12d ago
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u/Madmanmelvin 12d ago
I mean, you realize that's like saying nobody eats the pizza in my freezer when I'm not home.
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u/liamteddy 13d ago
That dude who can find anything on TikTok. Geotag guy. What’s his name? Get him on the case.
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u/Rohit_BFire 13d ago
Smh.. We all know it's not a real monster..but it's just the Ghost of the Monster.. NASA cannot help unless their satellites can detect Ghosts
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u/fuckyourcanoes 13d ago
Even Fortean Times magazine doesn't take Nessie seriously anymore. Nobody else should.
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u/Latter-Possibility 13d ago
Can Nessie fix sticky inflation? Is the monster pro Palestinians or Israel? Did Loch Ness vote for Brexit? And can the monster over come long Covid!
We have to know……
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u/CurrentlyLucid 13d ago
If we can detect a bug fart on a planet light years away, we should be able to solve this one way or the other.
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u/Castod28183 13d ago
We solved it 80 years ago. It went like this:
Person A: I saw this giant monster in this lake that is unlike anything ever seen on the planet in all of recorded civilization and nobody else has ever seen it despite thousands of years of habitation around the lake.
Person B: Bullshit...
Mystery solved.
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u/ctiger12 13d ago
At this point, somebody pls make a real one for them already…
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u/jamcdonald120 13d ago
pretty tricky, I dont think we have the dna of any aquatic dinosaurs in mosquitos trapped in amber.
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u/Pantsickle 13d ago
Have they seen NASA's budget lately? Slim chance NASA will be helping them find some giant, gross Scottish eel or whatever it is, IF it is anything at all.
But I do wish them the best of luck in their endeavors.
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u/SynthRogue 13d ago
Must be dead by now, if ever it existed.
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u/geekyCatX 13d ago
Either that, or there has to be an entire population of whatevers. Which makes it even more unlikely that we've never found definitive proof.
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u/amurica1138 13d ago
It’s just a publicity thing for Inverness tourism at this point.
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u/Elkripper 13d ago
I guess it works. We went when we were in Scotland. Didn't expect to see a monster. But hey, we flew all the way across an ocean (we're from the USA) and this is a minor detour from where we were going that day anyway. Why not drive by, just to at least say we did it?
Turns out, we did encounter the ACTUAL Loch Ness monsters. Plural. As we drove up to this particular little pullout/camping area along the shore of the lake, we noticed that they folks who were already there were wearing clothes that covered them from head to toe, and hats with netting on them. Looked kinda strange, but whatever. Maybe these people are really anti-mosquito or something.
Nope. We got out of the car and walked a few steps towards the lake, then RAN back. We were swarmed by these horrible evil little biting flying bugs that attacked us with a fury that an enraged Highlander would have admired. I'm pretty sure that most of the pictures of the lake monster are just swarms of these damnable things that happened to be in the shape of a monster at the time the pic was snapped. (Joking about that last bit, but the little files truly were awful.)
Anyway, we stopped by a local business and bought a couple of little Nessie plushies for our kids, filled up the gas tank, grabbed a meal - so the tourism dollars thing worked on us.
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u/BluudLust 14d ago
Unless this monster is in the atmosphere or space, why would NASA do shit?
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u/jamcdonald120 13d ago
NASA has a surprisingly large underwater operations department.
Turns out the ocean is a pretty good test and training environment for potential manned space missions.
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u/Tellnicknow 14d ago
Scientists: this is all a hoax and we have evidence.
People: okay, we don't believe your science, but we need your science tools to help find him.
Scientists:....
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u/Klaus0225 13d ago edited 13d ago
Bout time NASA started doing something useful and stop wasting tax money.
Really didn’t think this would need a /s…
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u/bilateralrope 13d ago
There was the time a New Zealand university decided to examine all the eDNA floating in the loch. Ruling out all the possibilities of what nessie is except a large eel.
Probably because demonstrating eDNA anywhere but Loch Ness wouldn't generate headlines.
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u/imlookingatarhino 13d ago
Also this is more of a NOAA problem, NASA is looking for aliens...
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u/VoidWalker4Lyfe 13d ago
I don't know why NOAA or NASA would be concerned with a mythical creature in Scotland
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u/imlookingatarhino 13d ago
Because, at NOAA, we have more fun than you
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u/VoidWalker4Lyfe 13d ago
As a Coast Guardsman, I thought y'all were even more overworked and underpaid than we are 😂 I'm glad you're actually having fun though
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u/imlookingatarhino 13d ago edited 13d ago
We're overworked but in reality, I spend most of my days looking at coral and dolphins and stuff. Life doesn't suck, and also my whole family are coasties
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u/fapsandnaps 13d ago
Show me proof Nessie isn't an alien then
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u/KittyTheS 13d ago
It's an alien cyborg that eats oil rigs and feeds other aliens with its lactic fluids.
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u/imlookingatarhino 13d ago
If nessie was not an alien, what proof would she leave that she was not the thing she isn't?
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u/doned_mest_up 14d ago
Their reward: all the riches in Scotland!
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u/02meepmeep 14d ago
Aye. McCloud. Howry t survive wit all the young kin gwon off t citays an th kars head Col knees?
Brown: aye no what t du. Wheel lower two wrists.
McCloud: how the $&”@ ya gait NASA in on it?
(Don’t kill me Scottish people - I tried).
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13d ago
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u/wileybot 14d ago
Thought the original guy said it was made up on his deathbed.
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u/LoaKonran 13d ago
The original first reporting is legitimately beat for beat a scene from King Kong (1933) which premiered a week beforehand, but it serves tourism numbers so we’ll ignore that.
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u/Flybot76 13d ago
The guy who took the famous 'toy in a puddle' photo said that was fake, but I don't think he was the person who made up the story in the first place
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u/Agent_Argylle 13d ago
No. One photographer made a fake.
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u/Malachorn 13d ago
When the ancient legend created the hysteria and modern sightings began then the very next "big story" was someone that... saw a monster... CROSSING THE ROAD and on land... the first photo was a blurry mess that looked like their dog with a stick, but was proved to be a picture of just an otter being an otter decades later, after contact positives from original negative were discovered... and this second fake photo was a complete hoax and admitted hoax... and on and on and on...
It is a completely baseless and stupid conspiracy theory of imagined nonsense that has been shown to be exactly that and nothing more since the very beginning.
Let's not pretend it was just "one photo" that was problematic and there is any merit whatsoever to literally anything else here.
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u/Agent_Argylle 13d ago
There's no "and on and on". You're exaggerating. There's too many eyewitnesses over the years. There's plenty of merit to it. It's not stupid.
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u/Malachorn 13d ago edited 13d ago
Dude... I literally stated the first three instances of "proof" that started the modern nonsense of "Nessie."
I'm not going to detail every piece of bullshit that has occurred since.
Meanwhile, you have.... NOTHING.
Absolutely nothing, short of a strong desire to believe in complete rubbish without a single occurrence of credible proof EVER.
If there's "so much proof" then... go ahead and share it!
The very foundation exists on clearly fabricated nonsense. Despite this, it's caused far too many to try and find this GIANT FREAKING MONSTER anyways... and they can't.
It's stupid.
Having said that... I admit that I've seen the Loch Ness Monster also. I'm also an eyewitness. I'd... just like to not constantly be reminded of Nessie since they completely broke my heart by breaking up with me. Was the summer of '69. I got my first real six-string. Bought it at the five and dime. Played it 'til my fingers bled. Was the summer of '69.
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u/Agent_Argylle 13d ago
Once again heavily exaggerating and lying.
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u/Malachorn 13d ago
Anyone still clinging to this myth after the BBC-sponsored search in 2003 that quite conclusively proved there was no creature of substantial size to be found in that body of water is completely ridiculous, to be quite honest.
There is literally no reason to believe in the Loch Ness Monster and, now, a preposterously absurd amount of reason to not believe in Nessie ("preposterously absurd" simply because so much effort has actually been used to try and find evidence of something there was never any sound reason to believe might exist).
Seriously, if you believe in the Loch Ness Monster then... you haven't even cared enough about the matter to study it AT ALL... but chose to ignorantly form an opinion on the matter anyways).
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u/Agent_Argylle 13d ago
More utter bullshit. Just ignore the underwater photographs, eyewitnesses, etc.
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u/Sugar_buddy 13d ago
I'm reminded of the 1800s when Europeans would go to Africa to bring back corpses or bones of exotic animals there for study. Just go up and slaughter hundreds of thousands of them and take the bodies without even eating it or anything. And a lot of times they'd graft the bodies together, a la jackalope
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u/Shinketsu_Karasu 14d ago
To be specific, the guy behind that specific photograph admitted it was faked. However, stories of mysterious sightings and encounters on the lake predate that photo by hundreds of years.
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u/Rickshmitt 13d ago
And in the before times, they legitimately put sea monster areas on maps. Sailors have seen mermaids and krakens and sirens and everything else. People see shit
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u/hammanwich 13d ago
Sailors have seen [large mammals previously unknown to science] and done the usual sailor thing of telling scared bullshit embellished stories to each other then discounting all future evidence to the contrary.
It never changes. I've watched dozens of people tell "weird" water stories to fascinated listeners - stories that I was personally present for - and marveled at how much shit they inject into their yarns. A manatee having tits and a hairbrush is nothing to these types of people.
People WANT special and unknown things to happen to them, so those are the stories they tell.
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u/FenrisCain 13d ago
The purpose of those creatures was actually to indicate a dangerous or unmapped area to avoid
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u/Simoxs7 13d ago
TBH I was there a few years ago and when there was good weather you could see some dark spots moving on the lake while hiking around the lake. You could maybe mistake them for something moving beneath the surface but I‘m pretty sure it was just a cloud shadow and some wind…
The lake definitely has some mysterious qualities to it but people throughout history have seen stuff I have no reason to believe was true and this particular myth is also kept alive as its good for the local tourism industry.
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u/Mutantdogboy 13d ago
Ffs it’s literally in the name! It’s not a lake it’s a loch!
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u/No-Significance2113 14d ago
They're most probably genuine sightings and have nothing to do with the fact it's become a tourist attraction where they can sell merch to people who come and visit.
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u/tristanjones 14d ago
And people claim to see angels too
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u/ScarryShawnBishh 14d ago edited 13d ago
Yeah look up why spirits are called spirits. I still see people using that to justify people being shitty while on drugs
Spirits on alcohol. I mean the language it derived from and the way people made up to justify some crazy stuff.
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u/hungariannastyboy 13d ago
Well, that isn't why.
From late 14c. in alchemy as "volatile substance; distillate" (and from c. 1500 as "substance capable of uniting the fixed and the volatile elements of the philosopher's stone"). Hence spirits "volatile substance;" the sense of which narrowed to "strong alcoholic liquor" by 1670s.
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u/Potatoswatter 13d ago
Spirituality = alcoholism?
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u/pavostruz 13d ago
I mean, shitty alcohol can contain a bunch of nasty stuff and cause hallucinations. Prolonged use can cause degenerative brain diseases, which also cause hallucinations.
All that on top of all the problems it currently causes too.
Alcohol used to cause even more problems than it does today.
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u/WhyAreOldPeopleEvil 14d ago
He did, people just refuse to face the reality that it was all staged.
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u/stuckinaboxthere 13d ago
That would mean people admitting that they were taken for a fool, and who wants to admit that?
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u/SafetyMan35 13d ago
These were the same people spending $4 (the equivalent of $22 today) for a pet rock and the same people that voted in Cheeto.
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u/Chumbag_love 13d ago
They're $29.95 on Amazon today.
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u/jamcdonald120 13d ago
or only $14.29 for the USB version. https://innoculous.com/product/usb-pet-rock/
You just have to decide if you want pay the premium for a wireless pet rock.
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u/FondSteam39 13d ago
I mean those two things are hardly similar lol.
One of them is an absurdist gag, one of them was a useless item that wasted countless amounts of money.
Uh... What was I saying!
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u/Elbynerual 14d ago
It's a whale penis.
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u/Dancanadaboi 13d ago
This is way more probable than an animal that leaves no recent(last thousands of years) fossil record(not even teeth).
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u/Bulky-Agent3517 14d ago
GOD DAMMIT MONSTER! I AINT GOT NO TREE FIDDY
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u/ViciousKnids 14d ago
Ogopogo.
Champ is a picture of a log. Nessie is a toy submarine with a head made of plastic wood. Ogopogo... is a Plesiosaur. A fucking Plesiosaur!
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u/UsingACarrotAsAStick 13d ago
That’s rich coming from someone who probably thinks smurfs lay eggs.
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u/ViciousKnids 13d ago
PAPA SMURF HAS A FUCKING BEARD! THEY'RE MAMMALS!
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u/SquirrellyEnby 14d ago
I live next to Lake Champlain :)
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u/ViciousKnids 14d ago
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u/SquirrellyEnby 13d ago
Memory unlocked.
I forgot about that episode.
Yeah, I won’t tell 21 that some of us prefer to say Champy not Champ
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u/uwillnotgotospace 14d ago
I'll help. Nessie relocated to the Sea of Tranquility after the tourists got too annoying.
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u/NessyComeHome 13d ago
So that's where i'll find her!? Thanks!
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u/Jordo_707 13d ago
If looking for Nessie is what it takes to get us back to the moon, then let's go find Nessie
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u/heathelee73 14d ago
I definitely did not see the Loch Ness Monster when I was at Loch Ness last September.
There is/was supposedly a similar beast in Lake Erie called Lake Erie Bessie.
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u/Dancanadaboi 13d ago
Why voted down?
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u/heathelee73 13d ago
No clue. Apparently I offended someone by saying that I didn't see the monster. Oh well.
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u/thieh 14d ago
Wouldn't you expect actual monsters would be dead by now after all these years? And the bone probably got decomposed soon after?
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u/Agent_Argylle 13d ago
They can reproduce
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u/Line1986 10d ago
https://thehighlandtimes.com/nessies-lair-found-at-loch-ness/