r/AmIOverreacting • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
My (46M) wife (44F) asked me if I wanted to fuck other people.
[deleted]
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u/Fit-Scratch-3842 7d ago
Sorry for your loss dawg, evac asap. She could have at least had the courage to come out and say she wants to get piped by another man, rather than slyly try to manipulate you into going along with it.
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u/FlaFlaFluey 7d ago
Id be getting on the phone with some divorce lawyers and start crunching the numbers, you don’t want to live with an emotional succubus like that. Tis for the streets.
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u/SomewhereLucky3304 7d ago
Bro if she brought it up to you she is 100% thinking about it she just asked you first because a typical male would answer yes and it would take suspicion off of her but she is definitely turnt on by this guy and wants him to penetrate her if it hasn’t already happened
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u/sandman3217 7d ago
Get evidence for the impending divorce. Gather and say nothing. Do not try to talk this out with her. Stay amicable, control your emotions. Do not share what you have found with her, only with a lawyer. Figure out the best way to legally protect your assets and give you a financial advantage. Document and record all conversations from this point forward. Place small cameras in strategic places to protect yourself from abuse allegations. Save everything, no gaps. A person that will lie and cheat to you will lie about you. Keep your head on straight, no violence in your words or actions.
Be smart.
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u/bigredmachine316 7d ago
Damn man, this is a rough one. Feels like the best case is that the thought was a fantasy in the back of her mind or something, and she really just wanted to know if it’s like that for you. I seriously WANT TO believe that’s the case. Maybe she just was attracted to someone else and didn’t know how to deal with it. That falls into “best case” territory, too.
I hate to say to you that it seems more likely that something might have happened with the two of them, and that she was projecting while she figures out what to do. I’d rather think it’s my own cynicism that leads me down that road. I sincerely hope that’s the case, and that it’s really a result of her awkwardly communicating something that’s really not a big deal.
The problem is, regardless of the intent, it’s really screwed with you, and messed with your sense of trust, and I don’t think people deserve that. 20 years is a long time to be married l, for something like this to come out of nowhere, and makes me even more suspicious. I’m curious as to what’s gone on during the year since.
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u/Unable-Reflection517 7d ago
First let me say that if you are looking for "evidence" you will find something that looks like evidence. She can't prove nothing happened and you can't find evidence that nothing happened. So this would be a completely one sided investigation. You need therapy, whether it is to help you move on, help you get over, or help you understand that is up to you. This question is asked in relationships every day and it doesn't mean there was cheating. The fact that you jumped directly to her cheating shows a lack of faith in your relationship, and justified or not, that shows an need for counseling. If you love your wife and I suspect you do, please seek counseling from a licensed therapist. They will help guide you to the answer to the question you are asking which is "what do I do now?" You need an unbiased guide not thousands of biased ones you have found here.
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u/Turksayshi 7d ago
I doubt your wife did anything, but it certainly seems like she wanted-- permission?? Idk, but I wouldn't go blowing up my life over reddit responses. It all boils down to if you trust your wife or not. Good luck
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u/ChristopherDave88 7d ago
I wouldn’t say she has already cheated, but if she instantly comes up with a specific guy she’s certainly thinking about it.
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u/Slow_Oscar_Haze 7d ago
She’s defining the relationship and seeing if you’re open to being poly. If you’re not comfortable with that just say so. You don’t have to throw this relationship away because of your insecurities.
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u/letub918 7d ago
I'd start chatting up her best friend and have an escape plan. Sounds like she already has her backup option.
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u/nAxzyVteuOz 7d ago
Jacks off to porn:
“The thought of having intercourse with someone else never even entered my mind.”
🙄
Clearly gaslighting: post ignored.
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u/Strange-Case3558 7d ago
Clearly, you don't know the difference between masterbating and actual sex with another person. I couldn't tell you the person's name, if they have a family or what they love to do while watching porn. It's way different than you're wife telling you that she wants to fuck the guy she just met and got to know personally a few weeks ago.
You get that one is on a screen that 4" and the other is in real life, right? Fiction vs reality. A movie vs reality. Your comparing two entirety different things.
Last, my wife watches porn. It doesn't bother me. It's not real. The post is about asking to fuck someone we know in real life. Like pull your sexual organ and let someone else penetrate.
You see the difference??
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u/Comfortably_Numb____ 7d ago
Hmm… too many comments to go through so apologies if it’s already been suggested, but she’s def practicing OpSec! So you need to consider VAR’s in your cars and wherever she may spend time alone. You also need to consider a keylogger on her phone. She could (likely is) using a 3rd party comms app, even one with auto delete. Finally, have you checked her phone bill for strange numbers texted and/or called? Extreme, but have you considered hiring a PI? Survivinginfidelity.com has an investigation forum with a LOT of useful info for searching for evidence despite her OpSec.
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u/Peaceofmind1037 7d ago
I didn’t read through all the comments but the ones I saw all were leaning towards guilt.
I’m divorced but when I was married, I thought about fucking a lot of guys because I was so unhappy. But I never did. And I was miserable in my marriage. Maybe she’s thinking about having a threesome and this was her way of bringing it up? Maybe if you explore it further and find out if it’s some sort of fantasy? Could be she wants an open marriage? Not saying you have to be okay with these things or agree to them but be open about having a conversation about that.
If I did cheat or want to cheat that’s the last thing I would be bringing up to me husband.
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u/Ragedragon928 8d ago
Get that evidence and leave her hoe ass. That sounds like a guilty conscience. I had no evidence of my ex cheating, but I started putting 2 and 2 together. Realized she had been cheatin, and I confronted her about it she came clean. Found out listening to return of the mack I pieced together clues boom it hit me
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u/Generic_Bi 8d ago
Well, sounds like you are married to a human being. That’s simultaneously the best and worst thing I can say about someone.
As a bisexual, polyamorous person (cis man, 47) in a mutually monogamous relationship with the same person for 27 years (22 of them married), if I wasn’t able to openly talk to my partner (cis woman, 46, straight) about finding other people attractive, I’d probably not be so happily married.
You see, your partner isn’t the only attractive woman in the world, and you aren’t the only attractive man, either.
Do I want to fuck other people? Yeah! Do I? No.
All this is to say that she may not be on the verge of cheating, and she may not even want to open up the relationship.
She may just want someone to talk to, and she feels comfortable enough to ask you.
Your wife didn’t fuck the guy at the party because she can control herself. When I’m talking to someone I have chemistry with, I keep talking to them. It’s fun and I can control myself, take that energy home, and pour it into some hot sex with my part.
Don’t shut down this conversation. Expand on it. Find out what she’s thinking instead of assuming it. And if she’s finding it difficult to hold back, talk about ways that you can help her with her impulse control.
Depending on how you react, and what she is actually feeling, yeah, you could very well be overreacting.
If this is the end of the relationship, that’s also ok. A good relationship doesn’t only have to be one where one person outlives the other. Plenty of those were unhealthy, and had serious issues lurking under the surface.
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u/dangerclosemaybe 8d ago
Read the update. The continued gaslighting to me says that she's hiding something. How long were you gone on that beer run at that party over a year ago? Any chance something could have happened in that amount of time? Any dodgy behaviors in the past year that indicate she may have been meeting up with this guy? Any increase in "girls nights" or "work trips"?
It's time to hire a PI and catch her in the act. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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u/Lovahsabre 8d ago edited 8d ago
It sounds like you are overreacting. However it could also have been an attempt to gauge if you were interested in being more explorative or open to the idea of other people in the relationship. Could you imagine having sex with the same person for 30 years? I would think it could get boring and might need some spice like a fantasy or a bit of torrid drama to increase the experience and excitement. Maybe she felt guilty about thinking about him and you reinforced that negatively. This can lead to bigger problems especially if they feel you dont trust them after openly divulging their feelings to you.
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u/blankyouplugs 8d ago
My god the fifth on reddit i'm shocked. Jesus people keep your sex lives to yourself.
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u/Kind-Art9742 8d ago
Totally normal to be rattled by that kind of bomb-drop from your wife, man. Just chat it out with her, see where she’s coming from and be honest about how it makes you feel.
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u/Afraid-Kangaroo6790 8d ago
Bro she knew who INSTANTLY is such a red flag. And what you said about her and this guy from the party? I’m sorry to say but if she didn’t F him already. She plans to and doesn’t wanna feel like a cheater.
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u/Cast_Guidance 8d ago
Theres another horse she wants to ride or has already ridden. Can't know for sure but 1 thing is absolutely certain. She already got that saddle ready and out of the barn. Sorry man. Sometimes you just gotta accept some losses and move to another table or leave the casino.
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u/swinginggolfcouple 8d ago
You kinda seem like an uptight prude dude. People be fucking, you don’t own her pussy because you are married to it you seem selfish
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u/yamomma341 8d ago
not trying to be negative but it seemed like she’s been thinking abt having sex w this guy and wanted to make it fair ig so she brought up the idea of messing around w other women to you 😭 i hope you guys can get through this tho.
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u/sixesandsevere 8d ago
Don’t rely on time in marriage as a justification for living with a cheater. People change. 23 years into my (50m) 1st marriage my ex (48f) slipped and landed on a strange dick. Tried to hide it, but I knew, and confirmed it via the ATT bills and credit card charges. Confronted her, moved out, counseled by our church to keep it together, tried the lay counseling route too, wasted a year being gaslit. She just wanted a change, but didn’t want to be responsible for ending the marriage or to give up the life I provided, status, security, no financial pressure, vacations, date nights, a very even distribution of time and involvement with kids. She had no clue how bad it was going to get. She lost the comfort and way of life she wanted because she thought she could get away with it. Did it cost me? Yes. Was the cost worth the pain? Yes. Give your wife the opportunity to explain, try counseling, but if she cheated do yourself a favor and walk away. You’ll never, ever trust her again. It isn’t worth the drama to you or your kids if you have them, and there are so many good people you can meet and move on with.
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u/slitteral1 8d ago
The words came out her mouth that she wanted to have sex with the guy from the party. In your own words, she didn’t hesitate. So obviously she was thinking about him when she asked that question. You would have to ask her if anything happened while you were on the beer run.
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u/Oversparkz 9d ago
Everyone has already said it, but in all my years, I have NEVER met a woman who didn’t already have someone lined up to sleep with on the very same night that they suggest “a break” “opening up to try it out” “test the waters.”
At the very least, she’s lusting for someone already. More than likely, it’s an emotional affair at best. But I’d be highly concerned that she has already crossed boundaries physically such as kissing, etc if not full blown intercourse.
I’m sorry man, especially after so many years, I know you must feel gutted. This requires a solid dialogue between the two of you. Get all of the feelings out on both sides, and make sure you both understand what the other is feeling. Hopefully, by the end of that conversation, you’ll have clarity on the future.
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u/4gtwhricumfrm 9d ago
It sounds like she stayed faithful that night but really wanted it from him. Guaranteed she is thinking about him when you are intimate with her. The next time she sees that guy (she’s thinking of who knows is him and how to contact him) she WILL NOT BE FAITHFUL!!we all come across that one person we can’t control ourselves around,however bringing it up to you and trying to make her self feel better for wanting him ANYTIME ANYPLACE. Watch your back and make sure
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u/Legal_Panic_638 9d ago
For someone that has fucked many of other dudes wives. Trust me, she brought him up that fast. You might as well find you a side piece or a divorce attorney. Women checked out, and something he did emotionally reached her.
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u/miliguy1977 9d ago
Been there done that, got the t-shirt. She probably already cheated she is just looking for the justification or OK. It hurts but you'll get through it.
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u/Dismal-Quiet6513 9d ago
She has probly cheated already man im sorry. Asking u if u want other people is a way to lift her guilt and cheat openly. If u agree to an open arrangement she will fuck that guy that damn day. She probly also doesn't think u can get anyone else or just a couple people so really it's just for her. I'd gather all information u can and document it, have lots of meetings with divorce lawyers (if u meet with the best ones she cant use them), decide what u want to do, formulate a plan and exit strategy. If there are kids test them to make sure they are yours.
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u/JBird5225 9d ago
Honestly, sounds like she was trying to plant the seed for an open relationship lol I’d have a serious talk with her
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u/freethrowerz 9d ago
Your marriage is done. Get a lawyer, do what they say. Your wife has or is or will cheat on you. My guess is on the first one.
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u/winittogether 9d ago
Sex, love and intimacy are all different things. You need to personally define and separate them. You can have sex and intimacy with your wife. Also you can possibly get a double blow job. Just don't be a baby about it.
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u/controllinghigh 9d ago
She’s got dick on the brain and she’s gonna get some for sure. It’s in her cards bud! I’ve seen this movie before and always ends that way. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if she banged him that night on that beer run y’all did. Was she extra squishy that night?
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u/wessongs 9d ago
Time to talk. She’s attempting to communicate something but choosing to act out instead of dealing with it directly.
This VERY likely has nothing to do with sex or other people. It’s about her and you and what’s not working for her and perhaps within her.
Good, couple’s therapy and individual therapy. Choose doctors/therapists with pedigree, well known and firmly grounded with established reputations, certifications, etc. (https://www.apa.org) (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us).
Best to you both.
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u/Ataleoffateandfolly 9d ago
She is one hundred percent already sleeping with other people
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u/haikusbot 9d ago
She is one hundred
Percent already sleeping
With other people
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u/No_Matter_7246 9d ago
I hope you do get to read this reponse. I do not like the situation, but I don't think the pitchfork Reddit response is apt for this situation. I know a good deal of swingers, people in healthy relationships who have sex with other people. It could be an attempt to cover up cheating, but it could also be an honest inquiry to go exploring. Don't bring the pitchfork out with everyone else, be careful about how you approach this, and match your suspicions with good intentions.
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u/D-T-M-F 9d ago edited 9d ago
I definitely don’t think you’re overreacting, but you’re torturing yourself by speculating on it so much. You need to talk to her.
The idea that being married somehow makes people stop being attracted to other people / finding them sexually desirable is an absolute fairy tale… And yet, it’s understandable why we generally avoid talking about it — because these kinds of conversations tend to stir up feelings of resentment and jealousy that can easily get blown out of proportion. But she chose to open Pandora’s Box so, assuming she wasn’t just being playful, I think it’s on her to explain why she opened that conversation. Be real, and let her know how much it’s been eating on you.
Also, recognize that there’s a BIG difference between having a little crush vs. acting on it. This is why it’s important to uncover specifically what was behind that question when she asked it. Was she testing you? When she mentioned “party dude,” did she have a strong desire to ACT? If so, does she still desire to act? I’d suggest starting with something like that… “I really sensed you weren’t joking. There was a reason you asked me that question… So please just be honest with me, because I’ve been driving myself crazy speculating about it… What was on your mind? Did you feel like I have a wandering eye? How often were you thinking about party dude? Were you thinking you might actually want an open marriage?”
Honesty is critical — and as the person asking difficult questions, I suggest you do everything you can to stay collected and be mentally prepared for a shocking answer. If you react by flying off the handle or jumping to quick judgment, you’ll likely lose the upper hand, and she won’t feel safe being totally honest. You need the truth (even if it hurts).
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u/WolfOfFoxhound 9d ago
As a woman, I call BS on your wife trying to sweep it back under the rug. She was prepared. This was already on her mind..
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u/DarkVikingAngel 9d ago
You need to read the other stories of couples who are going through the same thing. She has already cheated either emotionally and/or physically or both. I couldn't imagine asking my significant other to do this. Give her her freedom. Cheating is a broken trust that can't be fully repaired because you will always have some lingering doubt.
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u/kepsr1 9d ago
Updateme!
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u/scabbyshitballs 10d ago
You should go for it. She’s gonna bang him either way so you might as well have some fun too.
Humans were not meant for monogamy; we’re animals. This was an idea introduced by the church and it’s kind of weird if you really think about it. A lot of people spend an awful lot of effort suppressing their desire to have sex with others even though they love their partner. Once you accept all of this, relationships and life in general get SO much easier.
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u/Leather_Cheetah8371 10d ago
So wat would have happened if u had named off a few gals, and made sure to include a best friend or two of hers.... lol.
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u/GBrown444 10d ago
Most likely she’s started an emotional affair, if not physical already. You really need to figure how she’s communicating with him and how far this has gone. She brought up this guy(not randomly). So hypothetically speaking, if you did say you’re okay to having an open marriage…she’s got to be in contact with him already somehow. Man I’m sorry you’re going through this.
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u/Valpo1996 10d ago
My guy she has already cheated on you. She is just trying to get retroactive permission.
Get checked for STDs.
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u/Tricky_Discipline937 10d ago
It doesn't strike me as an odd question especially if you have been together for so long. Sometimes a question is just a question.
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u/DueCalligrapher7431 10d ago
My ex pulled this shit on me. I was like where tf is this coming from. Turns out she had been fucking some dude while I was away at work. Adios bitch.
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u/Dull_Ad6451 10d ago
Eh I think it matters. You know her best but I’ve known plenty of women who would have jumped into that topic as a pure thought experiment while sitting on a dock, after a few drinks. Im not saying she didn’t have other things in mind but I’ve known plenty of folks who engage in thinking aloud even about (or even especially about) sensitive matters without considering the effect on others.
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u/Immediate_Pair_1530 10d ago
Why the male usually older than the female in society? I keep seeing that, I don't get it
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u/BrotherAmazing 10d ago
Definitely overreacting. In the course of 20 years she has never cheated on you but merely had a fantasy about having sex with someone else and tells you when drunk, and suddenly you’re going ape-shit?
Unfounded jealously and low self-esteem is a helluva problem brother.
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u/joer1973 10d ago
My exwive brought that up after 10 years of marriage. She was already fucking the other guy. If ur worried about it, ask to look thru her phone and check her call log, messages and apps to see if she has had contact with him. If she does, she's already fucking him or plans on it.
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u/jeaanj3443 10d ago
Frankly, the idea that discussing fantasies means instant guilt or future cheating is a bit archaic. Maybe she's just bored and looking to spice things up? Communication, folks, it's key.
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u/oldcrustysnipe 10d ago
She has already sampled the new man and likes it. But your losses and move on.
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u/Savings-Growth3390 10d ago
If you can afford it, hire a private dick to see what she's up to when you're away. If there's no evidence that she's banging anybody over a span of a week to ten days, then you should just let it go. People sometimes say regrettable things after a coupla drinks. I'm just glad I got most of my regrettable comments out of my system before I got married ;)
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u/SasquatchPatsy 10d ago
It’s either because she thinks you are or she already is. There is no in-between. They’re always like 4 chess moves ahead, man. Just protect your King
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u/Short-pitched 10d ago
Frankly speaking after 20 years you guys should be able to talk about these things. Well done for shutting her up and not share things with you again. Also, divorce the cheating hoe
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u/CanEmotional2298 10d ago
This is how relationships and marriages end. Out of all the things to talk about, why this? Sounds like it was a nice night out, having some drinks, watching the stars, and here she comes with the shenanigans. Keep your head on a swivel and read the room.
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u/timetraveler077 10d ago
Mmmm…unfortunately women do that not casually I believe that came from a place of guilt, no I don’t wanna say she has cheated on you with this guy… but she stayed there when you left and could have exchanged numbers… anything is possible. I don’t get why women ruin good marriage or relationships with this kind of bullshit. This has nothing to do with “ I wanted to see if you had somebody in mind” let’s stop with the nonsense we are not kindergarteners!!! I would be very very careful from now on and stay on the alert cause that was not casual talk and the honest women in here reading this post would tell it as it is….
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u/declankincaid8 10d ago
An "open marriage" is simply a divorce that hasn't happened yet. If you want to act single, why get married in the first place?
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u/BigPapaKane 10d ago
From one married man to another, most if not all of these people have absolutely no experience with actual humans and that’s why they have so much to say about a situation they truly don’t know much about. I say that you guys go to marriage counseling or really have a grown up talk about how it’s not ok for her to blurt that kind of thought out to you. You watching porn is definitely not ok and it makes you a hypocrite. Don’t show her anything that the internet has said cause it’s not gonna be productive and it’ll probably make stuff worse. You guys have been together for 20 years, I’m sure there has been some times where a woman has caught your eye and you’ve looked her up and down and wanted to see what she looked like naked. Watching porn is just taking that thought away and just indulging in yourself. You’re a grown man though so I’m sure you’ll figure it out
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u/The_Other_Jay_TX 10d ago
To paraphrase Jeff Foxworthy: She's already riding that pony. She was looking for a free pass to relieve her guilt for being a Cheater, and now she's mad at YOU because you didn't immediately agree to her secret plan. Don't apologize for $#!^. You were NOT the one who decided to introduce other peoples' genitals into your relationship.
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u/Far_Satisfaction_365 10d ago
I saw your comments & the first thing that came to mind was that your wife was trying to lead you into thinking about an “open marriage” to give her free rein to have an open affair without repercussions.
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u/No-Roof-1628 10d ago
I just want to say that being a dude and having been in a similar situation, this sucks big time and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.
She 100% is planning on having sex with this guy, if something didn’t already happen. Any conversation about seeing other people in an otherwise monogamous relationship is going to be a difficult one, but there IS a right way to do it. She’s not doing it right. She hasn’t been honest with you about how she feels about this guy, and now she’s gaslighting you into thinking there’s nothing wrong and you’re overreacting. She approached this conversation by attempting to manipulate you into being the one who fired the first shot. That’s an awfully shitty way to treat your partner.
She owes you both an apology and a 100% honest conversation about this guy; what happened (if anything), how she feels about him, how long she’s been interested in seeing other people, etc. You have to be completely honest with her about how this has made you feel and whether you think your relationship can withstand this; both the dishonesty and the potential for polyamory.
Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You seem like a good man and you don’t deserve to be treated like this. I hope she can own up to everything and you both can work through this.
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u/Fluffy-Skill6434 10d ago
As someone who is polyamorous and has been happily with two partners for many years, I'd like to lend my voice to the topic from a non-traditional perspective. I agree with the fact that her approach is incredibly manipulative. People seeking open relationships in a healthy way absolutely do not respond like this, and it is clearly targeted. It's not as if you two were joking about a celebrity - this is extremely personal. There are lots of red flags flying, and I would be questioning her motives.
Trust your gut, OP. Something isn't right about this situation. Open relationships of any form are absolutely not for everyone, and if she is genuinely seeking one (for the right reasons, which I highly doubt), then you are not required to stay. People love to play the game of "if you love me, then you'll do it," but you are never required to consent to something that makes you uncomfortable.
Take care of yourself first. My thoughts are with you.
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u/Strange-Case3558 10d ago
This is helpful and makes a ton of sense.
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u/CRMATEUS 9d ago
I'm much younger and inexperienced in life than you, but still would advise you to not bring this up anymore for now and prepare for any possibilities. Try to relax and let it go on the surface, but start to prepare money for lawyers and to fight a war if she decides to turn on you.
(Just as you're in high alert against her, she is also alerted after you confronted her. She will or already is planing her actions against you, in case things doesn't work out)
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u/Fluffy-Skill6434 10d ago
While I would point out that she could be trying to have a genuine conversation with you or is having anxiety over new revelations about herself, it would do you both good to sit and have a calm conversation about this. Giving her the patience and safe space to explain where this conversation is coming from could open up dialog that is much needed for the both of you. At the end of the day, none of us know your wife. You do. It could have been a joke. She could have cheated. But allowing something to sit and fester won't do any good. So, I encourage you to have a sit-down discussion about the question, its source, and how it made you feel. Don't throw away 20 years because people love jumping the gun.
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u/radar1963 10d ago
I would say she already has tbh. And as far as she is concerned she has already admitted it to you so she won't feel guilty anymore. At this point I doubt you will get an honest answer from her. I would get a cheap private detective and inform him when you are suspicious she may be sneaking off to see him.
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u/dub5084 10d ago
When a woman asks this question she’s already got someone in mind for herself, and she has had someone in mind for a long time, and she’s been thinking about it for a long time. She wants to sleep with someone else and that’s why she brought it up. Of course rather than her just saying she wants to sleep with someone else she attempts to make it your idea by bringing up the subject and getting you to say you want to. Then she feels no guilt.
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u/WidukindVonCorvey 10d ago
Whoa. Do not show your wife this thread. Take a pause.
Let's think about the facts.
1) Your wife thought about what it would be like to sleep with another man and it was exciting.
2) She wanted to know if you had those thoughts too.
It is a huge assumption that she has already slept with the other man or intends to. Also, you look at at porn. Her imagining something in her head was the mental equivalent. There have been a lot of studies on arousal in men and women. Men are very visual. Women are very mental. It's the idea of intercourse that arouses women.
It is possible to be in a committed monogamous relationship and still find other humans outside that relationship sexually attractive and even emotionally beneficial.
We have very complex brains with parts tasked to different objectives and they communicate information to each other. Thinking about sex with another person is the prefrontal cortex considering some information from the hind brain when the hind brain is saying "What if we tapped that...". It's normal to consider these things and healthy for us as individuals to process those emotions and fantasies analytically.
I think you need to consider being less accusatory about your wife's thoughts and instead probe with the intent of understanding how she views sex and arousal. Make it more about learning how she thinks about intimacy and attraction than interrogating her about some rando dude.
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u/Reasonable-Street-74 10d ago
Do you live in California? Where are you geographically?
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u/Strange-Case3558 10d ago
Rather not say on here. Hmu in DM for more info.
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u/Reasonable-Street-74 10d ago
During the California gold rush, the state created a law so that women from elsewhere can come, married, have a better life, get a divorce for whatever reason, and then have an entirely new life and status. No-fault divorce.
Here’s food for thought: if she didn’t even like him, as she claims, and yet, having sex with him in her mind is the first thing she thought of, then what do you think she would think of she encountered someone she actually likes? The thought of leaving you, for X. Doesn’t sound to me like someone who deserves your trust my brother. It’s not her fault though. It’s a set up. It’s today’s society couple with laws that are unfair to men. Women just don’t really need men anymore. They can bounce from relationship to relationship, reap benefits from each relationship, and leave every single one of those men destroyed.
It sounds to me like you need to make up your mind about whether you’re liberal or conservative. If you want to be a middle ground, then you’re going to be asking questions like these on Reddit all the time.
If you’re liberal, deal with her fucking numerous people in her mind all the time, and be grateful for her, being honest with you, and continue to leave her at parties with other men, while she’s under the influence, and continue to watch porn. In fact, tell her, show her, and discuss what type of porn you like and be honest with yourself about the fact you’re re-enacting having sex with these people where you watch, unless you are watching it as a cuck who is watching two people fuck, and be honest with her about it because liberalism says everything is okay as long as you are honest with each other.
If you’re conservative, then you don’t leave her alone to any man that she’s been talking to under the influence, because it’s your duty to protect her and she belongs to you as your wife, and she has zero business doing that, and she should be weary of ever doing that in the same environment as you because that’s disrespectful to you and she doesn’t want to make you think anything weird. You also stop watching porn, and when you fail, you do not disclose it.
If you want, my personal opinion, to me, it’s fucking disgusting that she would bring up someone from three months ago. That clearly is still in her fucking mind. And I don’t think you should take that shit for a minute. I think there’s a better out there for you brother and I’m sorry that you got married. I got married too and I got married to someone just like this and I regret that every day.
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u/smith8020 10d ago
It all depends on what you want to happen going forward. She admitted to thinking about it with a specific guy. Question is, was this a thought, thinking not doing? Or has she already begun seeing this guy?
You prob want to know sooner rather than later. Find out her truth by telling her yours. Know what you want going into the conversation. If she cheated, do you definitely want out? Want to see if anything can be salvaged? If she swears nothing going on, can you believe and trust?
Regardless, only she has the answers you need. Unlock your phone and hand it to her if she says. “ nothing happening”. Tell her for peace of mind, you want to see her phone.. the calls the texts the WhatsApp’s and the photos. In exchange your phone an open book. If she isn’t willing, ok… now you know.
I am sorry this is part of life now for you. For sanity, you need the truth.
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u/Dry-Location9176 10d ago
The only way to get your manhood back is by fucking this guy before she does, if it's not too late. Good luck.
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u/Th3DarkSh1n0bi1 10d ago
When a woman brings this up it usually means she is cheating or about to and wants to try and open the relationship up to ease her guilty mind. Ijs.
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u/Negative-Ad547 10d ago
The idea that MOST humans want to be monogamous MOST of the time comes from religious doctrine. It’s not reality.
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u/AggressiveLaw5906 10d ago
Yeah she was definitely thinking about the guy and quite likely more than not or at the very least a 50% chance she slept with the guy already. That’s far too random to not mean anything. Keep pressing her and the truth will eventually come out.
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u/thirteenthplague 10d ago
TL;DR at bottom in case you want to come back to read the whole spiel.
As someone who is polyamorous, it sounds like you wife was asking if you ever thought about fucking other women because if she wasn’t alone in this, it would open the door for you guys to explore ethical non-monogamy, which from my understanding keeps a lot of marriages from falling apart. Monogamy is a crazy idea to me, personally. Not for the fear of committing to one person for the rest of your life, but for the fear of expecting one person to be everything you need all the time for the rest of your life. Expecting one single person to fulfill you all the time, romantically, sexually, intellectually, spiritually , emotionally.. it’s wild to me. And sure, perhaps you have friends that might fulfill parts of those things for you, but there is never any guarantee that the same is happening for your spouse.
And the only way to ensure that both of you are being fulfilled on all those levels is to be secure enough in each other and secure enough in your marriage to be able to ask these questions. And the truth is that if you are not helping her self actualize (and as crazy as this sounds, as we get higher in our needs hierarchy, our self actualizing needs become more and more specific), she will looks for that validation elsewhere.
If it is true that you love your wife, and vice versa, and have a healthy enough relationship to talk about something as volatile as having sex with other people, then it should also be true that you can have a discussion about which needs aren’t being met.
Ethical non-monogamy is a lot more popular in my generation. I have met so many 20-40 year old married couples looking for their own partners or FWB outside of their marriages. And every spouse I talk to never has anything but the most glowing things to say about their spouse, about how much they love them, about how amazing of a dad/partner they are, etc etc.
This is just my take.
TL;DR: This sounds like an opportunity for you guys to explore Ethical Non-Monogamy. Most married couples I have met never have anything but absolutely wonderful things to say about their partners, and as someone on the outside looking in, the level of trust, love, and companionship some of these couples have makes me earnestly grateful that they would allow me in their life.
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u/tbonerrevisited 10d ago
Sounds like shes been thinking about it , mabey the conversation should be more about what shes not getting out of your relationship and not as much about accusing her of infidelity.
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u/DamasoAguirreB 10d ago
Every-time someone does something unethically wrong their defense will be blaming the oposite partner, or been pissed. You are entitled to feel the way your feel because you know there something more than just friendship, you know your partner Bette than anyone else and you have the answer. Life is about loving and caring for yourself first, the rest is history.
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u/beep2wice 10d ago
Guilt has a funny way of showing it’s head. Proceed with caution, sounds like she’s got “the itch”.
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u/simbasworld28 10d ago
Don’t show her this. The people in this thread have a wide range of experiences that do not account for your singular experience. There are anomalies.
Fwiw, I too agree we are humans with eyes. You can’t help attraction. That doesn’t mean you’re a cheater; instead bringing it up in conversation is the most honest thing you could do. If you’re feeling insecure after that conversation, talk about it. But know it is okay to find others attractive, it’s completely normal. Hiding this from you would have been worse imo.
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u/me_so_ugly 10d ago
Nothing wrong with a hall pass if y’all are into those. Me and my wife had a threesome with a guy friend from my work and it was a fucking blast
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u/xCx_Prodigy_xCX 10d ago
Ahh ok. I guess I assumed being polyamous was when you were in a relationship with more than one person not just a threesome. My wife and I are into pretty kinky stuff. So it just seemed like a natural progression. Considering everything else we've tried. I do understand there is a limit though. I would have been fine just watching her with a other woman and me not even being involved.
My point was mainly that there is a difference between a passing though sexually with your significant other which you are sexual explorative with no real intentions other than talking about and and having a definite person you wanna sleep with. I wouldn't be with another woman unless my wife was involved. Sounds like the op wife has been think about a particular person.
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u/Equivalent_Fun1925 10d ago
I would let her go tomorrow. Both are young enough to be happy again. And who wants to distrust his wife for more than a year? Life is too short to be worried all the time or to waste on being cheated on.
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u/sala666 10d ago
I think it tells more about you and most of the people in this thread than her, that you all immediately jump to the conclusion that she already cheated. While it can be the case, it definitely doesn’t have to be. It could as well just be the case that she wanted to check in how you would feel about opening up your relationship. What’s wrong with asking that question? Most people don’t magically stop thinking about other people sexually just because they’re married - to act on it is obviously something entirely different. But talking about what are thoughts that almost everybody has had in the past seems fine imo. This whole thread has “i’m insecure” written all over it.
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u/Mysterious-Ad-3589 10d ago
When she responded so quickly it became evident that this man has been on her mind. This is not a good sign. There’s a good chance she fooled around with him. Now, you have to ask yourself if the roles were reversed and she was with her friends, would she be ok with you being alone with another woman at a party? If the answer is no then you definitely have a problem.
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u/Mashu_the_Cedar_Mtn 10d ago
Never good to be a step behind in the race to outrun a collapsing relationship. She took off before the starting gun.
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u/1cnx 10d ago
Women always monkey branch. They won’t let go of one relationship until they have another sucker on the other side secured. She’s bored. That’s when it gets dangerous. Remember there is no benefit for men to be married. She breaks the contract of marriage, you get screwed 15 ways even on Sunday , while she gets departing cash and prizes.
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u/Serious-Interest-269 10d ago
Everyone needs to calm the fuck down here. 39F here. Married for 10 years to 49M. He is my best goddamn friend. Something funny starts happening to women’s bodies around 40 that doesn’t happen to men. I’m suddenly very aware that I’m not going to look like this forever.
I’ve had about three sexual partners my life (was a bit of a prude before I met him candidly). And maybe, just maybe, I want to see what sex with other people is like. Maybe she is wondering the same thing. Maybe this is her awkward way of approaching the topic. Maybe if you said yes or something she would suggest attending a sex club or take a vacation at one of those sexy resorts in Jamaica.
Just calm down. Nobody cheated. Thinking thoughts is NOT cheating. I would NEVER betray my husband in a million years. I would never push us into something that could hurt him. She may feel the same way. Why don’t you try asking her in a way that honors all the years you’ve been together before freaking out?
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u/Ok_Distance_3599 10d ago
I really hope you are not taking advice from strangers on the internet when it comes to your 20 year marriage to your wife. they have no horse in this race and if this ruins you and your marriage they won't feel a thing. Please just talk to her and for Gods sake quit asking Reddit for marriage counseling.
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u/Narodnik60 10d ago
My wife asked me that question recently and I thought about it. Yeah. It would be fun and I do find other women, some of them friends and acquaintances, entirely attractive. But, when it comes down to it, I really love my wife in a way that I haven't loved anyone else before. And it's easy to answer that way because in my life, there is zero opportunity for anything like that to happen. If I get a week away from my wife it's spent out with the dogs, behind a book, finishing up projects around the house, binging my favorite shows, and cooking all the foods I like that she hates.
The last thing I want to do with my free time is give it away.
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u/sem23tex 10d ago
20 years is along time to be married and have something like that pop out of no where. There isn’t enough context to provide a constructive response to the situation. Things like whether or not you have kids or is there an issue with communication or honesty. A 20 year investment in a relationship isn’t something you take a chance on throwing away even under difficult circumstances. Possibly she is trying to normalize feelings she experienced interacting with this gentleman. Instead of responding with suspicion, you should discuss it in a manner befitting of the time both of you have spent together as husband and wife. I will say the title of your post is a little misleading and seems be designed to color the casual readers response toward the negative if they don’t carefully read the balance of your post. Escapist fantasies are one thing, but there has to be a lot more to all of this for her to be serious about acting on those feelings.
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u/SmoothTraderr 10d ago
Welcome to the gym brother. 👥
Make sure to lawyer up and get some form of agreement not to share 50% of your things.
For future reference --> when you find out.
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u/MySailsAreSet 10d ago
And btw women watch pornography too.you act like only people with dicks do it.
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u/MySailsAreSet 10d ago
You look at porn so that’s enough isn’t it, obviously she isn’t enough for you and you want other people because you literally look at and get off on other people. Those are people, you know. Hope you aren’t Christian. Then you are guilty of adultery as defined in the Bible. Which most Christians don’t care about because their dicks are more important of course.
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u/Remarkable_Market_18 10d ago
I’ve had a similar experience with my partner and i told her that i love her and i couldn’t/wouldn’t want to be with other people. I asked her to be honest with me and if that was something she thought she needed and she ended realizing it was a self worth issue and not being unfulfilled thing. I told her as much as i love her i couldn’t handle her sleeping with other people and if she was gonna do that, don’t hide it but i couldn’t be with her. she chose me and we’re still very happy together. hope your situation works out in the best way possible (even if that means leaving)
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u/Impossible_Meeting55 10d ago
Ive been married for 23 years. My wife has never asked me “hey you bang other woman “ but its for you of course. So if you would have said yea she would let you so she doesn’t feel so guilty about getting drunk snd banging a guy at a party and possibly throwing away 20 yrs of marriage.
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u/BeautifulWorking2244 10d ago
Been in this exact place. Took me 6 months to file. More pain. It’s over.
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u/Agreeable-Eye-434 10d ago
If you’re wondering if your wife has had the thought of fucking other guys, you should stop wondering. It’s a fact. She may have not acted on it, she may have. 20 years in a marriage. She’s human brother, the same way you may not have fucked other women but you’ve seen women you’d probably love to fuck your wife thinks the same way. They are no different from us. More importantly this is an opportunity to get to know your wife outside of knowing her as “your wife.” She asked a question like this because she wants to either A.) Yes, fuck another guy B.) She wants to express herself without being judged. C.) Maybe she wants both. Either way, you’re better off having a conversation with her about who she really is vs. who she feels she has to pretend to be for the sake of your marriage together. This is an opportunity for a deeper and more intimate connection. “The conversation of truth.” Truth of who you both really are. The deepest, darkest secrets and parts of yourselves. Try your best to not become defensive when she opens up this way. It’ll only make her keep more secrets. It will only make her pretend to be what she isn’t. Driving her crazy as a result, she will go and be “honest” with another guy…
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u/Most-Bowl 10d ago
Hot take, maybe she just wanted to have an open and empathetic conversation with you about the near-universal human experience of sometimes sexually desiring someone other than your partner?
Maybe she just wanted to feel like it’s ok for her to feel the way she feels, and she was hoping you could relate to her so that she wouldn’t feel crazy?
In my opinion, you are lucky you are with someone honest enough to tell you about what’s on their mind, even when it’s uncomfortable or awkward. And I think that your job as your partner is to make her feel safe sharing her thoughts. Your job is NOT to assume the worst possible conclusion based very loosely on something she said.
COMMUNICATE with your partner and don’t trust all these Reddit clowns.
If she wanted to cheat on you, she would. She wouldn’t have to tell you about it or anything. But she doesn’t want to do that. She wants to talk to you and relate to you. If you freak out and overreact (which I think you are) then she’ll learn you are not someone she can comfortably talk to or relate to. And it will push her away.
Im not saying you gotta go along with whatever she wants. But hear her out, be honest, take her at her word, and if after doing all that, you still just don’t feel right, consider leaving. But not until then!
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u/Regulus_MageKing 10d ago
Rather than beating a dead horse, I'll tell you something a friend told me that changed my life.
@op
I submit to you, what you're actually torn up and distraught about is that you've invested into her and you've taken her existence in your life personally and see her as an extension of yourself, when (if we look at JUST the facts) - she was always the kind of person to do this behind your back - which (forgive my opinion), to ME is trashy as fuck.
She did not get with you and then magically something about your presence in her life became not-enough. She has this mental parasite that was always there, and it's not AT ALL a reflection of your bad judgement or inadequacy. She's just kinda shit and she acted the part of being someone better than she was for a pretty long time.
And I know that still hurts, but you know deeply that you're better than that, she really doesn't deserve any explanation or being softly let go. Personally I would amputate the infection and (yes) find some kind of emotional release. Maybe krav maga or something else to remind you of who you are.
You got this, dude. With ferocity, and felicity, you are pretty damn great.
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u/CandidPresentation49 10d ago
I had my bf of 3 years suddenly ask me that one day and it turned out he'd already been cheating for a year
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u/shortyc290 10d ago
She came up with a name to quick, she is either just talking to him (phone/text/lunch) or she’s already cheating, but either way you may want a Private Investigator to check things out.
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u/Racsorepairs 10d ago
She’s probably already cheating. Women usually don’t want that in a committed relationship unless they already began to party. If you don’t want that lifestyle just leave. She’s gonna be fucking more dudes than you’ll be getting women, if you’re fine with that then stay, if not, GTFO asap.
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u/Disastrous-Net-1009 10d ago
They either fucking or fixing to fuck. The only reason she wants to keep you around is because you have more of something and she wants her cake And have it too. This your problem OP, you out here wifing these hoes. You need to up your pimp game, she found something more fun because your a square. Get in the gym, take some trips, pull some women at the bar, get your balls back or the next one is going to step on you all the same. Make them realize that you’re the prize. It’s more of them than us men, sometimes you gotta remind them bum women than the door revolving. If they leave someone else coming right in. They tend to do whatever for you after that. Woman are emotionally creatures she had feeling for that man don’t waste anymore time or money on her.
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u/austinb172 10d ago
Usually in these situations, she’s already cheated and trying to find an out to not feel bad about it. Not saying that’s the case here but the fact that she already had someone in mind when you turned the question to her is a big red flag.
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u/TheBunk_TB 10d ago
You should have told her that she shouldn’t ask you questions she doesn’t want answered
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u/Lurk_Ness 10d ago
I don't understand you monogamous types. You're all willing to write off this woman because she thought another man was attractive? Now you're actively encouraging this guy to snoop through her phone over it? You're putting yourselves through agony and ready to invade their privacy all because you can't handle that your partner MIGHT think someone else is hot? That's so controlling and narcissistic and honestly gross. Your partner is a person, not an object, and NOT your property. Let them be who they want. If you've put such a hold on them that they feel the need to break away from you and go behind your back, that's on you. It sounds to me like you'd rather your partner be your property instead of her own person. I'm not saying she should be allowed to fuck anyone she wants (unless you agree to that) but the fact that you can't even talk to her about it without getting passive aggressive and holding in your needless anger for a year, says more to me about you than her. It's amazing to me how people have no problem saying that polyamory or ethical non-monogamy "just isn't for me", but if someone's not happy in a monogamous relationship then they're a horrible monster who doesn't deserve decency.
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u/DirtyFWGirl 10d ago
You are prime age to enter the lifestyle. You’ve been together for years, have strong relationship, why not give it a go? It’s not a sign of a shitty marriage it’s actually a sign of a strong one. Go dip your toes. She’s coming home to you, and you to her, what’s the problem?
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u/Seraphim__7 10d ago
Your wife is going to or has cheated on you. She asked you first to determine if it was a safe topic. You didnt react the way she thought. She got defensive. You keep thinking about it.
Your wife is not you and she does not have your mindset. Maybe she loves you, but wants to fuck a different body for a change.
Im in a relationship, but for me sex isnt as intimate or important as it is for her or normal people. Ive straight up asked if i could fuck other girls. She asked who specifically and i didnt have anyone. I just never had my hoe phase lol....
But that all said. I only love her. I can see myself "fucking" anyone. Ive never once lied to her, even though ive told her im the best liar she knows. I dont hide anything from her even though i could. I lay out everything i have to her. And ive never done that for even myself.
What i think im trying to say is. I dont know you or your wife. But she asked a question, and got her answer. She should respect that. What stops respect is how she reacts to it. Im a man, too, and i get how we react. I take medication so i have a level of control to step outside of myself and look at other perspectives.
Your wife asked you and felt safe enough to tell you her desire. A cheater wouldnt do that. Someone who doesnt love you wouldnt mention the person you suspect. And you shouldnt worry about that guy because your WIFE is married to YOU. She only makes love to YOU.
Im advocating for cheating and as hard as i try i can not make it sound right at all. Im sorry for the rant.
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u/Successful_Ad2305 10d ago
Reddit is cynical af. You want to save yourself a lot of mental anguish? Just have a conversation. Share how you are feeling and hear her out. It’ll really come down to how honest of a dialogue can yall have and if you trust your partner. Not a bunch of random people on the internet. Don’t try to guess your partners motives or assume random assholes on the internet can. I don’t think you are the asshole unless you hold this against her without sharing your feelings. There could be so many reasons it came up. Non monogamy is becoming more popular so she might have just been trying to start a conversation with you about your interest in that. Not being an open listener is not going to help her feel seen. Having thoughts of infidelity isn’t a big deal, doing something about it before having a conversation is. Your wife might be trying to start a conversation about what she wants from y’all’s sex life. Asking her to repress those feeling without a conversation probably does lead her to feeling neglected. Or it really was a random shower thought and you’ve allowed it to infect 20 years of marriage by not just having a conversation with your wife about it. Either way I suspect she’d be very distressed to know this has been on your mind for a year.
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u/Loyal2aT 10d ago
Self-respect is the hardest to earn and easiest to lose…I would take this topic to discussion not a bedroom. Things are not “right” somewhere and there’s underlying context and insecurities and resentments she’s been building.
Married committed and wildly attracted with passionate even after 20 years with my husband, neither of us would ever think of replacement even for temporary gratification. We’re open honest raw and supportive and know this.
As a female, seems her bringing up another guy shows she’s personally insecure and enjoys the attention and romanticism in her midlife crisis stage she’s entering. Women have some loose screws nowadays and are the top resentment holders especially nearing 35-50 range … idk
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u/LastStar007 10d ago edited 10d ago
Fucking hell OP, DO NOT SHOW THIS TO HER. Why on earth would you think Reddit is where you can find sage advice from emotionally mature individuals?
Anyway, it's okay for you to feel what you feel and okay for her to feel what she feels. It's what we do and how we act that matters. You've been married for almost 20 years. Hopefully that means you trust her. Give her the benefit of the doubt that she didn't actually have sex with the other man. Even if she may have fantasized about it, she cares for you deeply and wouldn't do something that might hurt you. She's obviously asking because feeling lust for other people is normal to her. But it's just as valid to be 100% focused on your spouse. All you have to do is tell her clearly that you don't feel the same way she does, and that you're placing a great deal of trust in her not to act on her feelings. Tell her that you value a healthy relationship with your wife so much that the attractiveness of other women doesn't even enter the equation. Tell her that her response has been eating at you for some time, and that you'd appreciate her reassuring you that you're her one and only.
And for the love of God, don't come back to Reddit. Frankly, if you show this thread to her you deserve whatever happens afterwards. Reddit is toxic, you know this.
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u/zachismo21 10d ago
At least she told you. Now you need to work it out with her.
I think someone would have to be in the small minority for their partner to have never thought about sleeping with someone else(s). It's gonna happen. After 20 years of marriage, it's probably more likely than not going to happen. I'd approach her as if these are normal thoughts she's been having.
Good luck
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u/tossup6 10d ago
Your wife has sent pictures of her tits or ass to this guy or other guys. She wants some strange dick, and WILL cheat, and then blame you.
Every woman, and I mean no matter how good the relationship, how long, has done something like this or alluded to it while with her. The boot was given each time. Unfortunatley for you, you married this one.
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u/beachtownnative 10d ago
My experience is that when a woman picks another man, it’s over for the current relationship. They (the offender) will have you believe you are the problem. They take some moral high ground and gaslight you into believing they didn’t do anything wrong or that somehow you are the one overthinking their words. My wife of 26 years left for my best friend. He is a piece of garbage. Never married with no children 40 something who drinks himself into oblivion every weekend. But, according to my now ex-wife “I never loved her”. Like, WTF are you talking about. I heard about every single thing I didn’t get right for the entire 30 year relationship we were in. You can’t make this shit up. Once a woman has selected her next target, it’s over. They will destroy you and your family on the way out. You have a lot to think about my man. Good luck.
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u/Stunning_Buffalo7037 10d ago
Um… assuming she never made herself available to this other guy, she has been thinking about him ever since that day. Again assuming no physical interaction, she has played out the “what ifs” in her head and is 100% DTF. The question is can OP get her past this or is she on the road to Pound town with Chad? OP would do good to check her phone and socials. At the very least she has cyber stalked this other guy.
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u/Aggressive-Arm4927 5d ago
Updateme