r/AITAH • u/[deleted] • 15d ago
AITAH for wanting to break up with my boyfriend because he brings up my sexual past?
[deleted]
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u/phillycupcake 13d ago
NO!!!! If it bothers or threatens him now, it will continue to bother him... when you are tired of it you will need to move on.
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u/Cathene70 14d ago
Two words - ditch him now.
No question about it. He's abusive and he doesn't deserve you as his girlfriend anymore.
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u/Weary_Home6784 14d ago
NTA. You can break up with anyone at any time for any reason. You don't need justification. There are delicate situations but if it's just you and him and there are no kids or cultural issues, break up. Jeez.
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u/trevdiddy 14d ago
Whether it's 9 or 99 shouldn't matter, you absolutely shouldn't apologize for living your life.
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u/normalnotordinary 14d ago
Your past experiences play a part in who you are today. If he loves you and is a mature man, he should understand that. Instead, he's insecure over a number. Dump him and move on to someone who loves you for who you are today.
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u/peach-girl 14d ago
Dude, if body count even mattered, 9 is low for your adult age. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of at all. This guy needs therapy.
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u/ConsiderationHot7749 14d ago
NTA/ You gave him the answer many times and asked him to stop because it was something in the past you want to move on from, and he keeps pressing you for it. If anything you’re probably better off without him since he literally started it in the first place…
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u/whatisit2345 14d ago
NTA.
Life lesson: Never ask a question if you can't handle the honest answer.
He was seemingly happy in the relationship, then decided to go looking in a place that could only make things worse in his eyes, not better.
Also, I do NOT understand his feelings about being misled. If the question never came up, then it never came up. The way you describe it, there was no misleading at all. If he really cares about body count, why did he wait so long into a relationship to ask about it?
Another also: if he cares more about who you were with in the past than he does about you being with him now, then you're probably getting a glimpse into really important aspects of his personality, and I'd highly consider dodging this bullet.
Good luck to you.
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u/FluffyWolfFenrir 14d ago
NTA. You don't have to make excuses or apologize for your sexual history. The body count question is just an excuse to slut shame and control your partner through purity politics and it only harms the woman in the relationship never the man. If he can't accept that you have 9 previous sexual partners matter the circumstances, though I would only count consentual sex never assault, then he is immature and you should definitely break up with him if he's constantly making you feel bad because of it. He sounds like an asshole.
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u/procivseth 14d ago
9? That's like one per year of adulthood. Misled? He never asked. He sounds like a prick. Choose better next time. NTA. He's blaming you for his feelings about something that has nothing to do with him. Tell him to go blow Andrew Taint.
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14d ago
He said he gave me opportunites to share which I didn't, however it never came up in my mind to talk about let alone hide, I think I had some trauma around that time. But I understand he felt mislead and I said to him I only had two connections in my life with men, which he felt I meant sexually, but I meant as in a romantic, sexual, friendship all round sort of way. As I had one previous boyfriend to him.
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u/chyaraskiss 14d ago
9?! That really isn't that high of a number at 27.
I think you need to think really hard about the other Red Flags he's tossing.
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u/aitaisadrog 14d ago
I've slept with 11 men. Some of them were from times when I was severely emotionally and mentally unwell and vulnerable. Honestly only 1 ever gave me real penetrative orgasms, only 1 was where I was absolutely in charge and leading. Whatever. I dont understand what getting mad about a done thing does to help. I fucked. You fucked. So what? I own it. Dude can deal with it
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u/cachalker 14d ago
NTA. Just break up. He’s weaponizing a past that has absolutely nothing to do with him. But the real kicker is that he’s using your traumatic past to make you feel guilty and, let’s be frank, like you deserve his anger and mistrust. It’s just a way to break down your sense of self-worth so you’ll be grateful he’s chosen to “forgive” you. And so you’ll spend your life making it up to him.
You did not mislead him. He does not have some intrinsic right to know how many partners you’ve had in the past. Particularly, if some of those experiences bring on traumatic memories. If the experiences were forced on you or you were pressured, then he really is a shitty boyfriend.
And, please, stop being ashamed. While I’m not saying be proud, but the past is what the past is. Regardless of how these encounters came about, they are a part of who you are now. Regret if necessary, but leave the shame in the past. Do not let someone else determine your worth as a partner. If he can’t see beyond a number, then he’s not worth your efforts.
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u/ddwiththecakes 14d ago
Let me begin by saying that I am so sorry you are going through this. No one has to justify their sexual history or apologize for it and someone secure enough in themselves would not require that you do. Whether or not your bf is willing to admit it, he is punishing you. This behavior can escalate. If it has been months and he still gets angry about it or uses it against you in fights it is not going to get better. Please consider leaving the relationship, I know that is easier said than done but you do not deserve this.
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14d ago
Thank you so much for writing to me, and for sharing this. Yes it seems the anger and using it againts me has somewhat even gotten worse, but he has said I need to be with his anger, and I understand his upset but I don't know how long I can emotionally keep feeling disgusting about my past with him. and thank you again for your help, I really appreciate your time with me.
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u/ddwiththecakes 14d ago
He's conditioning you to take it and worse. If it has escalated I promise it is not going to suddenly end or lessen. No one deserves another's unending anger, it isn't healthy that he treats you poorly and tells you you have to take it until he feels better or else he never will.
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u/Specialist-Eye7497 14d ago
Ending it is imperative. He will never look at you the same. He is amazed that you can look at yourself everyday. He lost all respect for you and that is permanent. You only qualify to be with a masculine equivalent of a Harlet.
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u/Cautious-Elk-5123 14d ago
What is his "body count'? I don't ask because it matters - unless you have an STI that you didn't make him aware of before any intimacy, it doesn't. I ask because I'm wondering what his response is to this same question. If he spouts some bullshit about how it's different for guys, I'm getting serious "red pill" energy from this dude. You've been together for a year and it's just now coming up? Either he's started listening to some Andrew Tate misogynistic BS about how your history makes you a "low value woman", or his friends have been and are putting ideas in his head. He's trying to make you feel less-than so he can treat you badly and you won't feel like you deserve better.
EVERYONE deserves to be treated with respect and love, and he definitely is NOT the one for you if he's acting like this. You have NOTHING TO APOLOGIZE FOR. I agree with others that have said therapy would be beneficial so you can work through your trauma, but you definitely need to get away from this guy. Sending you love and hugs and hope that you can get yourself out of this situation safely. 💗
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u/Coyotelightning-T 14d ago
Ditch him.
if he so obsessed with numbers he can join the ranks and be the 10th sexual partner best left forgotten.
And what you misled him for? Not having him be your first? Not being chaste and pure until meeting him?
You didn't mislead him shit, it's his ego that's hurt and that's his own fault.
Go find someone else that doesn't judge and think less of you, that loves you regardless.
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u/67MCCC 14d ago
He is not f your business. going to stop bringing it up. The better answer you could have given was that your sex partners was no more his business than his sex partners were any of your business. And if he has told you about his partners, I would call it an even bigger warning sign. If he told you about them voluntarily, then who will he tell about you? Would he tell his coworkers what you are like in bed? I am sure by the hurt in your post that you care about him. But in the long run, you might be ahead to end it, recover and move on. Best of luck.
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u/Objective_Panic_5489 14d ago
He's an immature ass and you deserve better. You have a right to end any relationship for any reason. Easier said than done, but he does not get to treat you like a verbal punching bag. 9 or 90, he has no right to make you feel this way. You have nothing to apologize for, run because he's just getting started.
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u/SavingsAdditional991 14d ago
Girl you are NTA, he clearly is self conscious about it, which is his problem not yours. 9 people is not a lot but that’s beside the point, he sounds immature as hell, as a grown ass man why bring up a topic if you can’t handle the answer. This id a red flag, get out while you can
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u/Apprehensive-Bad-902 14d ago
I'll bet money his number is lower than 9 and that's why he's being an insecure dick about it.
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u/Italian_Valium 14d ago
A lot of men are very confused and handle the "body count" situation all wrong.
They hear "you want a woman with a low body count" which in and of itself is not bad advice. But, if a woman's body count is a problem for you, politely end the relationship on friendly terms and move on.
Your past is not a cudgel he can beat you with whenever the mood strikes. Because it's his metric, he needs to accept it and move forward or bow out of the relationship.
You are NTA when the relationship is viewed from a male perspective. He is.
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u/Possible_Shift_4881 14d ago
Shallon Lester’s latest video is on this subject and she has a lot of good points about it
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u/ImaginationIll3070 14d ago
He’s the asshole. There’s no shame in having sexual experiences and if he’s shaming you he’s taking his own discomfort that HE NEEDS TO SIT WITH and foisting it onto you. He sounds like a dick. Leave him.
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u/Powerful-Spot8764 14d ago
The perspective is that he is an idiot and that breaking up with him is the right decision, NTA
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u/Expert_Computer_4076 15d ago
Your bf has issues, with women, with relationships, with anger. You are NTA. But please please know that this kind of manipulation and control gets worse, not better. You deserve better.
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u/Sad_Swan69420 15d ago
Me reading this seeing 9 as a high number knowing damn well i’ve more than doubled that
He’s a douche
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u/Stormtomcat 15d ago
WHAT?
you made choices before you were with him : his expectation that you factored him into those decisions is irrational
turns out those choices were traumatic for you and/or based on trauma : his behaviour to scold you for them is unkind
you never talked about your sexual past : if he didn't ask, why is he now arguing "you mislead him"?? Oh and let's also talk about double standards : was he a virgin till his 32nd birthday when he finally met you?
In my opinion, you have nothing to apologize for. On the contrary, since he's not helping you to heal from those experiences, he's the one who should apologize to you, imo.
BTW, the fact that he suddenly changed his attitude 6 months ago, is worrying me. Does he talk about being a high-value man & you being a low value woman? Those are dog whistles for the manosphere, where weak-willed guys are preyed upon by Andrew Tate & similar red-pilled grifters.
My advice would be : stop understanding his "hurt" & start coming to grips with his sexism, and proceed from there.
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u/LetterheadTasty9747 15d ago
Don't walk away from this relationship, run as fast as you can. This guy is a manipulative AH don't ever apologise for your past experiences, especially if they are traumatic. Please, please leave and look after yourself, people like this only care about themselves. You sweetheart are definitely NTA
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u/TheFinalBoss90 15d ago
This is more of a question for him. If he is so insecure he cannot get past this then in all honesty he isn't ready for a relationship.
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u/EquivalentEntrance80 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA. He's using emotional abuse tactics because he's not an emotionally mature person. There is no objective reason you should feel ashamed, and his insecurities are being projected on to you. You didn't do anything wrong by not telling him. You didn't mislead him, and his attempts to control your sexual PAST are indicative of what's to come in the future if you stay with him. I would leave him as soon as possible, and talk with a trusted therapist or friend who can help you navigate YOUR feelings about those experiences.
Your feelings about them are the only ones that matter he, because he's creating a new problem for no reason except to make you feel responsible for his insecurities.
I also have a considerably high body count, and I felt ashamed for quite a while because many of those were also rooted in traumatic experiences as well. We have nothing to be ashamed of, and we deserve kindness and compassion for what we experienced.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
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u/Nofilter_2318 15d ago
NTA. This is steaming from his own insecurities. You do not need to be ashamed of your body count and no one should as long as consent is given and you’re not hurting anyone.
In future, if the body count questions pops up with someone new, I would communicate that you don’t want to have that conversation, as nothing good can come out of it from my experience both for male and female. Oversharing can negatively impact a relationship. Some things can stay private if you want them to.
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u/Agreeable_Rabbit3144 15d ago
OP, he is making YOUR trauma about himself.
This is a huge marinara flag.
Dump him
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u/YikesNoOneYouKnow 15d ago
Absolutely NTA
No one has the right to use your past against you. If he actually cared about you he would never even consider doing that. You deserve better. Break up with him and cut contact.
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u/DomThemovement 15d ago
My question is how did you mislead him? You claimed it wasn't a discussion before. Is he just saying that or did you ever imply that you had a lower body count?
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14d ago
I only had spoken about a previous boyfriend i had the year prior to being with him, in which I said I had only two connections in my life, which was true to me as my sexual experiences where mainly abuse, or very drunk and I never had a connection, romance, communication or anything with the guys. He never asked me the question of a number until recently. He felt he had given me oppurtunity to share details about my past, but it never came up in my mind to even talk about let alone hide, but I think I must have had some dissociation and trauma around it. Anyway, I actually do understand him feeling mislead, he is actually very valid I just don't know how to handle it all.
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u/ososalsosal 15d ago
Leave him.
Ffs people like that make me kinda slightly in favour of cheating just to fulfil their paranoia
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u/ScarletDarkstar 15d ago
Don't be with someone asshole that wants to punish you for having a past.
He wasn't misled, when he asked you told him the truth. Now he's being a jackass to you over something you cannot change.
You shouldn't be taking any of his anger. Walk away.
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u/CODE_NAME_DUCKY 15d ago
Nta there was no reason for you to apologize to him. He expects you to let him be angry at you that's insane right there. Do your self the favor and break up with him
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u/enigmatichermit 15d ago
Dealing with the consequences of your own actions. Leave him, he’ll have a better experience with his mental health.
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u/Flaky-Wedding2455 15d ago
He is toxic trash and emotionally abusive. I could go on and on but you should leave him. It will not get better, only worse.
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u/Latter-Secretary-510 15d ago
Tell he him the truth abt your past and if he doesn’t believe you or is still a jerk. DUMP HIS A$$
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u/Ok_Seaweed3034 15d ago
NTA He's belittling you and shaming you for your something based in trauma. Who the f gives what the number is. It's not even that high. You're 27. If you had sex for the first time when you were 18, that would mean you had sex with one person a year for the last nine years. Tell me a guy who'd be ashamed of that number, other than perhaps like the super religious type. He's just being needlessly cruel, jealous and, honestly, abusive. Did he want you to have saved yourself for him or something? Did he do that for you? I guess not since he asked for a number. I mean, what did he think was the "appropriate" number of partners to have? There just isn't any because it's a stupid notion. I feel like he was going to react negatively towards any answer other than celibacy and was just baiting you. Either he loves you unconditionally or he doesn't. Stop apologizing for having sex with your previous partners. You weren't dating him then. You don't owe him an apology for this because you didn't do anything wrong. Just dump him and get away from this manipulative asshole and don't feel bad about it at all.
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u/Zestyclose_Loss422 15d ago
After 3+ years, I asked my wife about her body count, or was 10, mine is 3, couldn’t give a shit about the body count, he’s being insecure and like how some other comments are saying, using it to have something hanging over you, get out asap
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u/misfit4leaf 15d ago
JFC, I've had way more than 9, I'd break his brain.
Listen, there is someone out there that is not going to care one bit. A few of my partners have actually found it hot. Toss the man away.
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u/Extension-Rub-8245 15d ago
What did you mislead him about? Did you tell him you were only with 3 guys? 20 guys?
And no, you're not the asshole. He's being emotionally abusive.
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u/Own_Breakfast_570 15d ago
NTA fuck that loser, break up with him and find yourself a better man, someone who isn't insecure about themselves thus projecting onto you.
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u/PermanentUN 15d ago
NTA unless you were with your bf when you had sex with any of those people, you've done nothing wrong. Your bf has no right to be angry and he sure as hell has no right to punish you. Please tell him to f off and move on. Insecure little boys have no place in adult relationships.
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u/PaleSandwich123 15d ago
He’s a narcissist. You’re aware now and can move on. Don’t freak out or anything crazy, just walk away. Make sure to retrieve your things with friends if you can and never look back. Block him . How fkn rude of him.
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u/Salty_Interview_5311 15d ago
Huh. I can get him being intimidated and upset for a bit but this is ridiculous. If this was so important to him, why did he wait until now to ask?
It sounds like the person he’s really upset with is himself for not asking but he’s unwilling to admit that even to himself.
You are not the AH here. He’s acting like a kid throwing a tantrum and is apparently intent on punishing you by being mad and making you deal with it.
I personally wouldn’t put up with that kind of sulky behavior and would end things. I strongly suggest you give him an ultimatum that you’re not going to put up with this kind of treatment any longer. Either he gets over it or he’s gone.
How he responds will tell you a lot about how he’ll be long term in a relationship. I suspect he’ll take his toys and go home.
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u/Competitive_Set_3388 15d ago
I recently saw a shirt with "I'm too clumsy to be around fragile masculinity!" on it. I really need to buy that because I would not let your bf get away with shit like that... His insecurities are NOT your fault!
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u/Alladin_Payne 15d ago
NTA Your BF is a manipulative AH. It doesn't matter if your body count (such a gross term) is 0 or 1000. You are a valid, worthy human. If someone us trying to make you feel less, it's because they feel less, and want to try to drag you down. Don't let them.
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u/Toad1277 15d ago
You're 27. Average age for the first time is 15-17. So thats one a year. Nothing to be ashamed about You're not the ah. You didn't mislead him He didn't ask so you didn't answer. No reason for him to bully you.
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u/sqwirlmasta 15d ago
Your boyfriend is an asshole. If he really loved you it wouldn't matter. Make a clean break and move on to someone worth your time.
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u/Sinistas 15d ago
Regardless of whether the number was 9 or 900, he doesn't have the right to bully you about your past. Please don't let his anger and manipulation make you feel like you're a lesser person, because you're not. He needs to feel like a big manly man, and now you don't belong to him. That's screwed up, and it's no way to treat a person you love.
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u/Witty-Help-1822 15d ago
How many partners has your bf had? Apologies for what exactly? Your bf is shaming you for something that is none of his business. Also remind bf this is 2024, not 1954. At the end of the day, this relationship is not going to work. Your bf will throw this in your face every chance he gets, he feels superior when he slut shames you, and you will always feel like you are on the defensive. You can’t apologize enough for this guy, it will be a bottomless pit, and soon your self esteem is going to suffer, if it hasn’t already started. Your better judgement is telling you to leave. Please listen to it.
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u/Imnotawerewolf 15d ago
I know my wrong doings
Bullshit, you didn't do anything wrong. He's an insecure idiot who wants it make you feel bad because he's upset that you've had more sex than he thinks it's ok for women to have.
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u/Maddest-Scientist13 15d ago
9 times you've made a serious mistake. 9 times tou shared by body with men you said clearly didn't care about you.
They're not pervious lover who you had long-term meaningful relationships.
Imagine you boy friend said he had a traumatic period and fucked 9 prostitutes because of it. How would that make you feel? Your potential long-term partner has been with individuals who clearly took advantage of him and didn't care, nor did he care ge was taken advantage of until after the fact.
Now add in the fact you blatantly lied about a very important part of a relationship.
You mislead this poor dude, you should feel bad about it, and you shouldn't be together. He will not get past this, and you're very clearly not being honest with yourself.
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u/IncreaseStriking1349 15d ago
9 isn't even a lot.
I do think body count matters, but 9 is a non issue.
You shouldn't be apologizing, and he's also a shitbag for bringing up negativity in your past as an attack. It's not even a matter of what, no good person does this.
I would leave as well
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u/lolashketchum 15d ago
Oh no, this is such a red flag. My husband & I have been together for six years & we have never asked about each other's "body count." What we did before we existed to each other is not something either of us is concerned about. That should be the same for your relationship. This man has spent half of your relationship mad at you for things you did before you even knew him. He has spent half of your relationship degrading you for those choices. Please explain to me what, exactly, you would be trying to save by staying with him?
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u/KingNeuroyal 15d ago
NTA. Your boyfriend sounds like an insecure manchild and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of
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u/drewdrewdrew11 15d ago
Fuckin weird in my opinion that’s too low. You gotta practice to be good in the sack like I don’t understand this new attitude
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u/Catkit69 15d ago
OP, you don't owe him an apology for this. And if he feels mislead, then he knows where the door is and can show himself out. You never told him you were a virgin or anything before you got together so any "misleading" happening was the shit he came up with in his own dumbass head.
Leave him. He is abusing you. He knows this is an insecurity for you and he will continue to harm you by using it. There are plenty of men out there who don't give a shit about your body count because they care for you as a human.
Get out of this shitty relationship where you are constantly being abused.
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u/leeeeelooooooo 15d ago
He needs to learn about retroactive jealousy. My husband did something really similar and it almost cost us our marriage. Male egos are really fragile when it comes to sex. If he doesn’t educate himself on why he feels that way, welp it’s not your job to either.
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15d ago
I’ve never asked any of my partners the number. You’ll have an idea when you actually sleep with them anyway. On that note, I’ve slept with a few women who didn’t know what they were doing and barely moved, and some may of said it about me! I didn’t go looking for my next ride though, i think men are taking more of a moral stance rather than being a ‘Dick Hopper’ I’m not talking about all women are like that, but that numbers growing.
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15d ago
Men are checking out also, a lot of my friends got divorced and one remarried. I don’t believe it’s a good thing that men and women are moving further apart even if women do. Each individual woman will know when there in there 40’s and they’ve lost that major pulling factor and that’s.. beauty. Hopefully you’ll all live a happy life with or without a man, but I will say this.. loneliness will eventually kick in with a good number of single people, even if they don’t see it now because they have youth on there side.
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u/what-i-despise 15d ago
NTA!! Rule no.1 Don't ask questions, if you can't handle the worst case scenario response!! Do NOT be ashamed for enjoying your life! Boyo needs to recognise, your history is not your present! If he can't handle the truth, that's a major red flag for your future! (Do you REALLY want to be in a relationship where you have to moderate yourself to stroke his ego?!)
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u/SableValdez 15d ago
He’s a little whiney baby. Dump his abusive ass. BTW idk what wrongdoings you’re referencing, but the low low number of 9 sexual partners is certainly not one. Don’t let him gaslight you into feeling inferior.
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u/shoesfromparis135 15d ago
NTA. Men love to shame women for being individual human beings with their own thoughts and experiences, especially sexually. Most of the guys I’ve met who slut shame women are either insecure about the fact that they have limited or no sexual experience, or turned out to be Slutty McSlutSluts who slept with a hundred girls.
Don’t feel bad. Just keep repeating the question, “Why is a man with multiple partners considered a STUD while a woman with multiple partners is considered a SLUT?”
Dump him and find someone else. You deserve better.
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u/Extra-Ad-2998 15d ago
Here’s the thing if you told him you was a virgin or had little to no experience then I can understand the misleading perspective, however if that was an assumption on his part this all sounds like a him problem!!
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u/Exotic-Tour-8482 15d ago
Sounds like morals based retroactive jealousy. He needs help because if you aren’t bringing up your past and he is when you’ve asked him not to - he’s feeding the beast or you can break up. He can either accept your past or end the relationship, not beat you up for having lived a life before meeting him.
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u/WeekendImpossible524 15d ago
NTA, unless you misled him by pretending to be a virgin, if not then he is the AH. since those “9 bodies” were not loving relationships he should want to give you a big hug and try to make you feel safe and loved so you could forget your difficult teenage days. (and even if you would have had 9 loving relationships before him he should be glad that you’ve had good experiences.) you are lovely and strong and he is a big baby.
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u/BlackRoseP90 15d ago
NTA.
He sounds immature, especially as a 33 year old.
So you have slept with other guys. Hardly a surprise in this day and age. What matters is you're clean from sexual infections and diseases. Other than that, he has no say. It's in the past and it's not like it can be changed.
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u/ElectronicSpeed3805 15d ago
9? That sounds like a pretty average number.
9 just means you had a few new boyfriends that didn't pan out at all, a few that lasted a year or two, and a few disappointing one night stands.
I've got several female friends that were over 200 by your age. They're self described sluts and proud of it. You don't sound anything like them.
Here is the average for your age group:
Ages 25-29: Among women, 25% had 0-1 partner, 31% had had 2-4 partners, 24% had had 5-9 partners, and 21% had 10+ partners.
So you're part of the 45% of women that have 5 or more partners by 29.
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u/Tiktokerw500k 15d ago
Break Up with his stupid ass, before you do that... Ask him what his body count is, and if it's higher than yours... call him what he is a manipulative gaslighting double standard having ass slut!
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u/ZephNightingale 15d ago
You are not responsible for his inability to handle his own emotions. He needs to grow up and you need to find someone else.
Good luck!
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u/Own_Patience_1947 15d ago
Ntah. Seems he has some insecurities going on. You didn't need to apologize and you shouldn't, it's not like you lied or cheated. He needs to either get over it or you break up I think. You definitely shouldn't keep apologizing, it seems controlling on his end to keep being it up and shaming you.
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u/ironduke101a 15d ago
These days, 9 is almost a virgin.
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u/0ldLion 15d ago
I don’t think I have the right to judge anyone. Speaking from my personal experience there’s only one question: Have you shared with him the nature of your negative experiences and how bringing it up makes you feel? I recently had to end a short relationship after I shared my vulnerabilities and she used that against me shortly after. I took it as a learning experience and was still glad I gave it a go.
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u/0ldLion 15d ago
I don’t think I have the right to judge anyone. Speaking from my personal experience there’s only one question: Have you shared with him the nature of your negative experiences and how bringing it up makes you feel? I recently had to end a short relationship after I shared my vulnerabilities and she used that against me shortly after. I took it as a learning experience and was still glad I gave it a go.
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u/0ldLion 15d ago
I don’t think I have the right to judge anyone. Speaking from my personal experience there’s only one question: Have you shared with him the nature of your negative experiences and how bringing it up makes you feel? I recently had to end a short relationship after I shared my vulnerabilities and she used that against me shortly after. I took it as a learning experience and was still glad I gave it a go.
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u/0ldLion 15d ago
I don’t think I have the right to judge anyone. Speaking from my personal experience there’s only one question: Have you shared with him the nature of your negative experiences and how bringing it up makes you feel? I recently had to end a short relationship after I shared my vulnerabilities and she used that against me shortly after. I took it as a learning experience and was still glad I gave it a go.
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u/Curious_being33 15d ago
NTA your past belongs to you he has no business in it, why you should apologize to him for a time he wasn't even there and why it is even hurting him. He is manipulating you really, it's you op who should reconsider him and this relationship.
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u/Curious_being33 15d ago
NTA your past belongs to you he has no business in it, why you should apologize to him for a time he wasn't even there and why it is even hurting him. He is manipulating you really, it's you op who should reconsider him and this relationship
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u/Curious_being33 15d ago
NTA your past belongs to you he has no business in it, why you should apologize to him for a time he wasn't even there and why it is even hurting him. He is manipulating you really, it's you op who should reconsider him and this relationship
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u/Curious_being33 15d ago
NTA your past belongs to you he has no business in it, why you should apologize to him for a time he wasn't even there and why it is even hurting him. He is manipulating you really, it's you op who should reconsider him and this relationship
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u/Curious_being33 15d ago
NTA your past belongs to you he has no business in it, why you should apologize to him for a time he wasn't even there and why it is even hurting him. He is manipulating you really, it's you op who should reconsider him and this relationshi.
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u/Curious_being33 15d ago
NTA your past belongs to you he has no business in it, why you should apologize to him for a time he wasn't even there and why it is even hurting him. He is manipulating you really, it's you op who should reconsider him and this relationship
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u/ComplaintExpensive19 15d ago
I just don’t understand holding that above someone’s head? People are independent and free to do whatever they please, it’s a part of growing IMO.. Regardless of someone’s sexual past it’s completely understandable that a person has sexual partners as we’re only human… if they wanted to sleep around still they would but instead they’re picking you. Even if you’ve had many partners how can you be jealous or resentful in any way. Just doesn’t make sense to me.
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u/United-Army-1433 15d ago
Yo I’m sorry all that happened, but 9….. that’s still very very low compared to most these days. He needs to be more empathetic and stop that BS
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u/Guy_Montag453 15d ago
Sounds like a situation to get out from, not healthy. However apart from seemingly all the comments here, I think it’s perfectly ok for people to have different definitions or tolerance of past sexuality. It’s NOT ok to make anyone feel bad about it though. Nor does it sound like you “mislead” him. But if he’s uncomfortable with that past, no matter the reasons, then move on. I don’t think having different values makes either side a “bad person” but each partner should treat the other with respect and should be relatively aligned in this and many other core relationship values. People on here saying never ask it doesn’t matter, tbh if my wife had slept with 200 men before me I’d probably have had some issues with that. I don’t think I’m evil nor am I a monk, just have somewhat more conservative values around sex.
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u/whatdoidonowdamnit 15d ago
You could have fucked Satan himself before you had your boyfriend got together and you’d have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do anything TO HIM You’re entitled to feel that you made poor choices but you didn’t do anything to him at all.
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u/Bornless_planet 15d ago
NTA. I don't know why anybody asks this question.. IDGAF how many peeps you been with, it only matters if I'm the last one you're with.
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u/ObjectFun6354 15d ago
9 people at 27 isn’t bad like, at all. Now some people care more about body count I guess but like if anything I’d call that a reserved number. Most girls I know are well over 15-20 now. I’m 26m for context.
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u/plantslut20000 15d ago
9? That does not seem high. Any guy who makes you feel bad about that is an asshole, and he is probably terrible at sex.
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u/Ok-Appeal9923 15d ago
As far as I can tell, NTA.
I don’t understand how he was mislead but don’t see how your body count has any relevance to how he could be mislead (unless you told him you were a virgin) but after a whole year, don’t see how that is of any importance in the relationship. Also, sounds like you were underage/a kid for most of it so does it even matter at this point???? It’s like asking someone how many people have they kissed and start listing from pre-k or some shit. Also (#2), 9, that’s really low in comparison to a lot of people. I worked with a girl who slept with 5 guys from work in her first 2 weeks of employment. I stopped caring and lost track once that number hit 10.
Now, if you notice a trend, the guys who seem to care so much about body count tend to be guys who lack confidence, want to be over-controlling and freak out over small details that don’t matter. Do you really want to stay with someone like that?
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u/One_Fat_squirrel 15d ago
Bad advise (BYDY) Turn it around and point out his lack of sexual experience
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u/X2x1C1x2X 15d ago
NTA. If this topic was never discussed prior to getting serious he cannot be upset. That is childish behavior. So long as you both are clean now when you guys started dating it should not matter what the body count is.
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u/WonwithOne 15d ago
First of all 9 is not a crazy number for someone who is 27, it might be a little above average but nothing like a huge red flag.
He is definitely using this as a power trip get out jail free card for when ever he feels like he's losing an argument. Very childish and the opposite of healthy for either of you.
Tell him to get over it or you will move on. If he decides he cant get over it, just tell him his was the smallest of all 9 of the guys and dump his ass.
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u/YeOldeBilk 15d ago
Anything you did before you met him is none of his fucking business
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u/SokkaHaikuBot 15d ago
Sokka-Haiku by YeOldeBilk:
Anything you did
Before you met him is none
Of his fucking business
Remember that one time Sokka accidentally used an extra syllable in that Haiku Battle in Ba Sing Se? That was a Sokka Haiku and you just made one.
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u/PaigeKnows333 15d ago
He's just jealous - was probably an incel before OP - clearly has some inferiority complex with other men.
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u/tjw61583 15d ago
If your past is SOOOO important and so relevant to him then maybe he should become part of it 🤷🏻♀️
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u/No_Mistake_5961 15d ago
Live in the moment
OP needs to focus on today
If he judges you for your past what is next.
Tell him that the experience of the past makes you who you are today.
Love it or leave it
Who knows in 20 years if your still together he might want to get into a hot wife kink
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u/MelodyofthePond 15d ago
NTA. Why are you apologising to him that you have done before you got together? You don't owe him that, nor is he entitled to it.
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u/Rimjobknob 15d ago
Do not be ashamed of anything you did. Sexually or anything else? He probably has low confidence in himself. Just tell him he is the best and you seek no other. If he cant get over it move on. You weren't seeing him. At the time so that's it end of story. Good luck.
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u/peteyn1973 15d ago
My girlfriend slept with 19 people in high school and had I made number 57 for her. I does not bother me. We have a strong and loving relationship.
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u/MountainFriend7473 15d ago edited 15d ago
Dump him. He sounds like an entitled man child. Not all body counts are things or situations sadly we as women want to have happen to us in the end of it all and that’s how he is choosing to see it.
He’s annoyed that he sees you as a sex dispensing machine and that is his problem not yours and you deserve better.
Like having safe sex and ensuring you are not spreading STDs and hiv is important in this day and age and him acting like this clearly is problematic because it’s not about health as it is about his perceived idea of you is wrong. Whatever Sexist or problematic ideas he has about sexual behavior is not your problem to apologize for especially if you are doing your part now to be safe and in hopefully a trusted relationship.
He’s a grown man and he needs to get over himself.
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u/boltushkavik 15d ago
Please, please, please, leave. What he's doing is abusive, totally unfair, and I'd say pretty scary. On the side note (although it's irrelevant, he shouldn't behave like that in any case) - nine is not even that high.
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u/ExistentialMaverick 15d ago
Girl, fuck him. Regardless of your past, 9 isn’t a bad number. You have nothing to be ashamed of. A partner who throws your trauma in your face isn’t worth having. A partner is an addition, not a subtraction, to multiply and not divide. You don’t deserve this kind of treatment
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15d ago
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u/Jax_10131991 15d ago
Are you ok? You might need to seek a therapist if you can. Breakups are tough but using the anonymity of Reddit to berate innocent women won’t heal your heartbreak.
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u/gatorgopher 15d ago
You did not hurt his feelings. Does he watch Andrew Tate while laying in bed with you? What a piece of human excrement, your boyfriend, so we are clear. You did nothing wrong, except answer him. And 9?! And you're 27?! That's nothing! Do not apologize for it ever again. Pack your stuff and go. Never speak to him again. You are allowed to have lived a life, gone through some shit, made mistakes, and had some fun. Good luck. I hope you find a good person. Forgot judgement: NTA
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u/yeahitzalex 15d ago
Whatever your sexual PAST is, it has ZERO reason to be brought up consistently in arguments. NTA - dump this fool.
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u/Swimming-Motor-2210 15d ago
NTA. My fiancé and I have hardly ever talked about our previous lovers unless it was something that we learned in that relationship that benefits ours. You should never be ashamed of how many experiences you’ve had. It makes you who you are, he can take it or leave it. I had an ex once that begged me to tell me how many people I slept with and that even though how much I showed that it made me uncomfortable I gave in. And his response was much like your experience, that was pretty much the nail coffin for me (on top of other issues).
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u/moonsquid-25 15d ago
No, you wouldn't be the asshole and this is coming from a guy that believes someone's past is a relevant thing to consider. If you misled him, and I'm not certain you did, he would be valid in being upset. We would all be upset if our partners intentionally misled us. However, now that it's out in the open, he can either accept and move past it or not accept it, and you two split. This holding it over your head is manipulation. He is actively trying to get you to feel bad and guilty while not wanting to forgive and move past. That's an asshole thing to do.
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u/SnooBunnies7528 15d ago
You have nothing to apologize for. 9 isn't even some big number. People who worry about "body counts" are assholes anyway. Ditch that fucking loser. He doesn't respect you and consequently can't love you
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u/ravenmoon18 15d ago
Seems like he is VERY insecure. And he's being a baby. So I would probably kick him to the curb. You are not 'his". And you were not before.
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u/Active_Resident0311 15d ago
It's simple, you need to leave now. Bringing up someone's past to hurt them is wrong, even more wrong out of anger. Leave. He will continue to do it.
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u/Mordenkainens-Puzzle 15d ago
Body count should mean nothing in a relationship. He has a low emotional intelligence.
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u/Appropriate-List6605 15d ago
Ditch the zero, get a hero. It's none of his business. If he wanted a virgin, he should have advertised for a girl who was.
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u/Drshawnlove 15d ago
You are not the a hole he is if he knew your body count and started dating you anyway then the real a hole is him for a guy like me I could care less about the body count as everyone has a past
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u/Mhunterjr 15d ago
Why are you apologizing to him for something you did that can’t possibly be offensive to him, because you weren’t together.
A grown man so insecure he’s worried about a sex you had a decade ago.
Break up with him for being completely lame and emotionally abusive.
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u/jakeoptions 15d ago
NTA. Also, 9 is very light for today’s modern women. Even if it was 27, that’s still no where near what a lot of women have as a true count. He should be thrilled at the prospect of having new shared experiences with you. I don’t give a shit about body count, personally.
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u/this-or-that92 15d ago
Damn I’ve probably got at least double your body count, never once has my husband felt the need to make me apologize for it. It’s not like you cheated on him with 9 people, these were all before him. He sounds like the AH
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u/68andioweyou1 15d ago
NTA…not even close. Doesn’t matter if it’s 9 or 90. Your time before him is exactly that. You do not apologize for that and damn sure should not be holding that against you.
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u/Ivetriedeightynamea 15d ago
At the end of the day, if he can't deal with it, then it's time to move on and find someone for which your past isn't an issue. I'd wish him well and move on. Kill them with kindness, bury them with a smile.
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u/RedBeard1023 15d ago
He's carrying on about 9?
At 27 years old, 9 isnt really some outrageous number, and I generally fall on the conservative side of where "too much" is, whatever that even means.
He needs to figure out a way to get over it.
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u/Hoodwink_Iris 15d ago
This is a huge red flag. He will become abusive eventually. I vote break up with him. So obviously NTA.
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u/aquias2000 15d ago
NTA.
Your sexual history is not one you owe an apology for. It is not any of his business, unless there is an STI/STD in play. It is a control and abuse tactic. Or he truly believes you are less (you are not) because you have a sexual history.
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u/Ladyofshadows1 15d ago edited 15d ago
NTA. Your bf is a douche. If he uses your past against you like this, you will never gave a decent future with him. You also do not need to apologize to him for past lovers you had prior to meeting him nor do you owe him any explanation. I would seriously re-evaluate whether you want to be with a judgmental and insecure prick like this because he sounds toxic af 🥶
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u/Antique-Sherbet-7733 15d ago
NTA. I would suggest leaving #9 due to his insecurities and hope that 10 is a better choice. Who cares your number. Move on from him. The rest of your relationship will stay this way. Him being angry with you for a part of your life he had no involvement in.
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u/No-Combination8136 15d ago
Man that’s not even that many. He’s super jealous. Don’t feel bad about that. I don’t understand why the amount of people you had sex with even matters. What is there like a cutoff point at which you become tainted goods? It seems silly.
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u/Diasies_inMyHair 15d ago
This is a situation in which an ultimatim is appropriate. Your "body count" is part of your past. It has nothing to do with him at all. It predates him and is part of the person you used to be, not who you are now. That chapter of your life is closed. You didn't "mislead" him by not disclosing your exact number of sexual partners any more than he "misled" you by not disclosing his exact number of sexual partners. It is absolutely bizarre that someone would even want to know the answer to that question in the first place - much less to then turn around and try to use it like a bludgeon against someone they are supposed to care about!
His behavior is abhorent. And abusive. You should never have to apologize for past mistakes with other people in other relationships. Tell him that your past is in the past. If he he cannot let it go and never mention it again, then you are done - there's no possible future together. I hate to say it, but odds are not good. The relationship is probably not salvageable. You need to leave, for your own sake. Find someone who will love you for exactly who you are where you are in the here and now without regard to who you were in a troubled past. It is possible. Good Men do exist. NTA
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u/Leather-Lab8120 15d ago
He said I need to 'sit with the emotions' and let him be angry, but I am sick of it as I have apologized and I know my wrong doings but it never ends I don't know what to do anymore.
Can anyone share any perspective?
If his present problem are your history ... you need an exit plan.
A HVM would acknowledge your history with forgetfullness.
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u/ancona99 12d ago
This guy needs to kick rocks. You can definitely do better OP. Your past is none of his business and certainly doesn't matter in the here and now NTA